It’s Christmas time and you’d be forgiven for assuming fast cars, overpriced watches and unbelievably sh*t clobber are at the top of the Christmas present wish list for every Premier League footballer.
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While most of the football elite can be accused of having far too much money combined with very little sense, Paddy Power News can exclusively reveal what some of the leading Premier League names have asked Santa for this Christmas – and it’s not all ugly man-bags and ridiculous sliders.
Feast your eyes on these Christmas wishes.
Luke Shaw – Bubble wrap
After a fantastic summer with England, we thought Shaw had finally reached his true potential, but the truth is his legs are made of glass and need protection at all times. A large roll of bubble-wrap wound around his ankles, knees, entire body and head even before each match and the job’s a good’un.
Adama Traore – 80kg dumbbells and an XL tub of Vaseline
80kg dumbbells for arm-day. Who’s going to tell him otherwise? Certainly not Santa. The Vaseline is to stop those pesky defenders trying to slow him down and give him that magnificent glow. It’s like a watching a beautiful, shiny sports car drive through Premier League defenders.
Harry Kane – Parka jacket
Hated by his own, lacking goals, smashing through Liverpool players with his studs up… it’s all gone a bit wrong for poor Harry after going on strike at the start of the season. Still, word on the street is he’s been perfecting his Manc accent and is hoping Santa will bring him a Parka jacket and khaki bucket hat to show Pep he’s still dedicated to fitting into the northwest scene and very much available.
Mikel Arteta – Just for Men hair dye
39 years old and not a single grey in that perfect head of hair? Mikel Arteta is proving to be a very astute manager of his young Arsenal squad, demonstrating tactical nous alongside ruthless decision making. Yet his greatest quality is that unbelievable head of gorgeous, thick, dark, lustrous hair that is unruffled in even the direst weather conditions. We’re pretty sure Santa’s bringing the Spaniard a year’s supply of hair dye.
Donny Van de Beek – Cushion
Having suffered with a sore bum from excessive bench sitting during the Solskjaer era, Donny was full of life when he started to appear on the pitch under Michael Carrick and Ralf Rangnick. Having very little impact, the Dutchman was back on the bench inside two games, so has decided to bite the bullet and make his extended sit-down a comfortable one.
Rafa Benitez – Liverpool kit
Still buzzing over his time at Anfield, Rafa is understood to have asked Santa for a Liverpool kit signed by every member of the 2005 Champions League squad which he can wear around the Everton training ground every day.
Newcastle owners – Map of the UK
The realisation is finally starting to set in for Amanda Staveley and her crew of merry men that 2022 might not be full of high profile trips to Old Trafford, Anfield and Stamford Bridge – the Weston Homes Stadium, Oakwell and Kenilworth Road look more likely – and you can almost hear the screams of “where the f*ck is that?!” from a group of people who had no idea just what they were doing when they bought Newcastle United. Fortunately, Santa’s got a map for them to plan their tour of Championship grounds.
Steve Bruce – Cup of tea
…But that’s none of Steve Bruce’s business.
Jamie Vardy – crate of blue WKD
Jamie Vardy’s having a party, bring your vodka and your…blue WKD. More gutted than anybody else that Boris is about to shut down nightclubs, Vardy has vowed not to let it ruin his Christmas, so has asked the man in red for a crate of blue WKD, Hooch, Smirnoff Ice, VK Ice, and the best of the Clubland and the Blackout Crew on CD. It’s going to be one hell of a party. Chat sh*t get banged.
Mike Dean – Life-sized self-portrait
Infamous Premier League referee Mike Dean has asked Santa to bring him a life-sized portrait of himself, to put above his fireplace in the lounge and intends to spend his entire Christmas day sat on his fur rug, drinking port, admiring it.
Harry Maguire – Football for Dummies
The latest player to suffer with the bug that struck Fernando Torres and Alexis Sanchez which overnight transforms a good footballer into a sack of uncontrollable, twitching muscles in human skin, Football for Dummies is a book which will help Harry remember what he is supposed to be doing.
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Timo Werner – A goal
Poor Tiny Timo doesn’t want much. Just a goal. Even if it deflects in off his arse. Any type of goal will do.
Patrick Bamford – FPL points
Like many of us, Patrick Bamford takes his Fantasy Premier League very, very seriously. One wrong selection could put him miles behind the competition. With games being postponed and Pep-roulette ruining lives every single week, Bam-bam could do with a few extra points, so has put this top of his wish-list.
Thomas Tuchel – Extended warranty on summer signings
Poor Thomas. Despite being lucky to finish fourth last season, everybody told him he was in a title race this time around… and it’s already over for his Chelsea side by Christmas. Summer recruits Romelu Lukaku and Saul Niguez haven’t been much help either, so all Thomas wants for Christmas is his money back so he can put it towards signing Erling Haaland next summer.
Pierre Emerick-Aubameyang – Alarm clock
The former Arsenal captain has asked Santa for an alarm clock before life gets even worse.
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