Breaking News: Mike Bassett appointed Everton’s new director of football ​

He'll get it in the mixer


Everton have appointed former England boss Mike Bassett as their new director of football following the departure of Marcel Brands.

The club confirmed late last night that Brands had left Goodison with immediate effect having squandered £300m on utter sh*te.


Bassett will be tasked with overseeing the club’s playing philosophy of ‘4-4-f**king-2’ and the recruitment of players in the mould of former Wimbledon hard-man Vinnie Jones.

The Mr Clutch Cup winner has already instructed owner Farhad Moshiri to set fire to Tom Davies and Dominic Calvert-Lewin’s clothes as part of a ‘cultural reboot’ at the Merseyside club.

‘It’s sad to think there’s an entire generation out there that think Vinnie Jones is just a sh*te actor. He was sh*te footballer in his day too’, Bassett told Paddy Power News.

‘This current mob is soft as sh*te. We need a couple of lads like Vinnie in the changing room. Someone who isn’t afraid to punch a hole in a dry plaster wall or squeeze a teammate’s testicles to the point of rupturing them if things aren’t going well’.

Bassett said he was looking forward to implementing his tried and tested football philosophy with manager Rafa Benitez.

‘Rafa and I shall sit down in my office and discuss tactics over a nice pint of Bovril’, revealed the former Norwich City boss.

‘Sod that 4-2-3-1 b*llocks. We’ll be playing 4-4-2, getting the ball out wide and whipping crosses into the big man at the back stick’.

Meanwhile, it’s understood Everton fans are planning a walkout in the 27th minute against Arsenal tonight in an angry gesture to the board.

This follows on from their walkout after 20 minutes during the recent 4-1 home defeat to Liverpool.

In the absence of any crowd, Paddy Power News understands the club will play a booing soundtrack over the stadium’s PA system to make the players feel at home.

**Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is 100% fake news. And that’s the truth.**


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