While every football hipster is busy digging out their “I love Ralf Rangnick”underpants from back when he was managing SSV Ulm, the rest of us might be wondering just who the fudge this bank manager-a-like bloke heading for the Old Trafford dugout actually is?
The 63-year-old German is tasked with replacing Ole Gunner Solskjaer’s “remember Barcelona ’99? That was great” teamtalk with something a smidge more tactically astute in order to rescue the Red Devils top-4 place, drive them on in Europe and, most importantly, keep the regional noodle partners signing cheques for the next couple of seasons despite mediocre performances on the pitch.
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But just who the hell is he? Well, Paddy’s done some digging to answer just that. Here are 19 incredible facts we’ve uncovered about the new Manchester United manager…
- His body is 66% Red Bull following his work at Leipzig
- He believes Jurgen was kicked off the Great British Bake Off solely because he couldn’t stand Noel
- He still calls it The Rumbelows Cup despite not having a f**king clue what a Rumblelows is (Psst, WTF is Rumbelows?)
- Arsene Wenger 100% definitely almost signed him for Arsenal just before you heard of him
Leipzig’s German headcoach Ralf Rangnick addresses a press conference on the eve of the German Cup (DFB Pokal) Final football match RB Leipzig v FC Bayern Munich at the Olympic Stadium in Berlin on May 24, 2019. (Photo by John MACDOUGALL / AFP) (Photo credit should read JOHN MACDOUGALL/AFP via Getty Images)
- He does not own a single David Hasselhoff record
- He rejected the Spurs job last summer when he realised the Europa Conference wasn’t a joke and Tottenham really had to play in it
- He sold his soul to Satan to get three good seasons out of Timo Werner
- He has four stomachs, each of which performs a different function in his digestive process
- Jurgen Klopp wears Ralf Rangnick pyjamas
- He knows that closing all your apps actually uses more battery life than it saves
- He learned English through watching Emmerdale and cites 1993’s air crash storyline as among the most traumatic experiences of his life
- He holds the world record for having an untouched pint of water on his bedside table
- He once locked himself in a cupboard to avoid Jens Lehmann
- He believes the Montreal Screwjob was kayfabe
Leipzig’s head coach Ralf Rangnick celebrates after winning the German First division Bundesliga football match RB Leipzig v SC Freiburg in Leipzig, eastern Germany on April 27, 2019. (Photo by Ronny Hartmann / AFP) / DFL REGULATIONS PROHIBIT ANY USE OF PHOTOGRAPHS AS IMAGE SEQUENCES AND/OR QUASI-VIDEO (Photo credit should read RONNY HARTMANN/AFP via Getty Images)
- If you say his name three times in front of a mirror he’ll appear and explain why zonal marking is better than man-to-man until you die of boredom
- He would do anything for love (but he won’t do that)
- He is the one person who liked the final episode of Game of Thrones
- He didn’t think the “Whaaaaazzzzzzzzuuuuuuup?” Budweiser ad thing was funny, even at the time
- He was staunchly Gerrard >>>>> Lampard
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