Panic in United squad as Rangnick arrival means they might have to run more ​

'Run more.' Coaching genius right there.


Reports are reaching us of growing concern throughout the Man United squad that they might have to run a bit more following the appointment of renowned Gegenpresser Ralf Rangnick to the position of interim coach.


The German tactician has been brought in to dig United out of the massive pile of sh*t Ed Woodward’s spent cultivating for the last nine years.

And, in a shocking development, it has emerged his solution is likely to involve some of United’s squad actually making an effort once in a while.

“When he laid out his visions for the squad we were just blown away,” said an Old Trafford source involved in the interview process for the role.

“He said ‘Maybe the players should work a bit harder in games’, and it was a real eureka moment for everyone in the room.”

Leipzig’s German headcoach Ralf Rangnick addresses a press conference on the eve of the German Cup (DFB Pokal) Final football match RB Leipzig v FC Bayern Munich at the Olympic Stadium in Berlin on May 24, 2019. (Photo by John MACDOUGALL / AFP) (Photo credit should read JOHN MACDOUGALL/AFP via Getty Images)

“The way he talked about the players occasionally passing the ball to one another as well – pure genius!”

“Why didn’t we think of that before?”

Rangnick, 63, has built his reputation as a coach on the concept of Gegenpressing, which your mate who googled Rangnick’s name five minutes ago will tell you authoritatively has inspired the likes of Jurgen Klopp, Thomas Tuchel and your other mate who spends 14-hours a day playing Football Manager in their progress to the very pinnacle of the game.

Now, he will bring his radical insights into a club still buzzing off the fumes of Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s potent mix of Barcelona ’99 anecdotes and Mike Phelan’s sweat from laying out the bibs and cones at training.

Several agents are already reporting concerns among their clients at the club as to what this means for their roles in the team.

“All I can say is, if you thought Ronaldo’s exit from Juve was swift, wait til you see him pack up when this bloke tells him to get a move on,” one source close to the Portuguese striker told us.

BERGAMO, ITALY – NOVEMBER 02: Cristiano Ronaldo of Manchester United looks on during the UEFA Champions League group F match between Atalanta and Manchester United at Stadio di Bergamo on November 02, 2021 in Bergamo, Italy. (Photo by Emilio Andreoli/Getty Images)

“The only pressing CR7 will do at this club is the button on his phone that rings Joel Glazer to tell him he’s getting the f**k out now.”

And Mino Raiola, agent to Paul Pogba, is said to have confirmed that his client’s injury has suddenly deteriorated meaning he will be unable to play, train or pick up any call from the club until May 2022 at the earliest.

While Bruno Fernandes is concerned that the effort of pressuring opponents could take away from his attempts to form a meaningful connection with United’s irate away supporters, while Jadon Sancho is believed to be disappointed that the excuses for his terrible start at United at disappearing so quickly.

Not all are upset though, with outcasts Donny Van de Beek, Jesse Lingard and Phil Jones said to have purchased a Corby trouser press in a misguided effort to appeal to the new manager with their creaseless pants.

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