A plumber has been spotted at Old Trafford this morning after a major leak was reported in the Manchester United changing room.
Executive vice-chairman Ed Woodward sanctioned a costly emergency callout after the leak caused the internet to flood with rumours about discontent among United’s senior players.
The flooding caused extensive damage to Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s reputation, confidence in Harry Maguire’s captaincy and any chances the club has of attracting a reputable manager.
Surveying the damage, 46-year-old plumber Buster Piper told Paddy Power News: “As you can see, the source of the leak is likely to have originated from this area right here. This is where the player’s PR teams deflect attention away from their client’s sh*te performances on the pitch.
“The leak will quickly flood the internet with tales about the manager losing support within the dressing-room over things like tactics, selection and his treatment of certain players.
“This flood of bullsh*t excuses from the overhyped and underperforming prima donnas will seriously damage the structural integrity of the club, resulting in yet another expensive rebuild.”
When asked for an estimate on the price, Buster loudly exhaled, then said: “Oh I dunno, maybe £400 million give or take a few quid mate?”
Meanwhile, Paddy Power News understands a host of United old boys are throwing their hat in the ring for the interim manager’s job.
Steve Bruce impressed the Glazer brothers with a PowerPoint presentation this morning entitled ‘Brucey-Ball: Understanding the 4-5-1, pet’.
Meanwhile, Mark Hughes spent the morning updating his Wikipedia page by deleting any mention of his 18-month spell as boss of arch-rivals Manchester City.
Ahead of the club’s crunch Champions League clash with Villarreal on Tuesday, caretaker boss Michael Carrick told the assembled media he plans to stamp his identity on the squad by banning tomato ketchup as well as any expressions of emotion.
“Ketchup is strictly forbidden – as is revealing the slightest hint of a personality,” mumbled the 40-year-old.
- So, who will take over from Solskjaer? Check out the Next Man Utd manager odds
- REVEALED: Lampard’s list of demands to replace Rodgers at Leicester
- Jack Grealish and Dean Smith plot new Aston Villa phoenix club