Manchester United’s squad have spent recent days working on their apologies to fans in preparation for tonight’s game against Atalanta, Paddy Power News can confirm.
Recent results and performances have seen a number of United’s leading players front up to the fans and begging for forgiveness, but there is a belief among many within the squad that more could be done to alleviate supporter tantrums.
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“The lads know it’s not good enough.” a well-placed source within the club said. “If there’s one thing United fans want – besides their green-and-gold scarves when it’s still 0-0 v Burnley after 20 minutes – it’s long-winded statements about how much harder you’re going to run about before tripping over your teammates.”
“This week they’ve really focused on getting their apologies nailed down for the Atalanta game because they all know Ronaldo can’t dig them out of the sh*t in every game.”
And our source has had a sneak preview of a few of the planned messages to console their irate fanbase the next time Ole’s hands abandon the wheel for fiddling around with the tactics editor on Football Manager.
“Harry Maguire’s been chiselling ‘I’m sorry’ in a chunk of granite chipped from the side of his own head all week – he plans to have the work mounted at the Stretford End in Old Trafford so he can just point at it and make a sad face whenever United lose again.”
“His defensive colleague Victor Lindelof was aiming to have a statement written up for his agent to release should United lose, but naturally got outmuscled by oncoming centre-forward as soon as he tried to sit down and write the thing, while we can only assume the reports of some barely visible apparition tapping away on its phone at Carrington was blockbuster signing Jadon Sancho composing a mea culpa of his own.”
Though not everyone has been preoccupied with their pre-emptive apologies.
“Donny’s just walking around with a big grin – ‘I never f**king play so no one can blame me'” he’s reported to have told friends.
And others are taking advice from club legends.
“Paul Pogba’s been on to Eric Cantona in an effort to connect with the fans.
“He initially told him if anyone has a go you should have a few Bruce Lee moves in your repertoire, but then a moment of inspiration struck and he whipped out a blank canvas and painted ‘United Lose – Je suis mort’.
“Pogba’s people remain unconvinced, however, instead suggesting his next hair cut could include tears shaved into his barnet to represent the sadness he would feel if he wasn’t off to PSG next summer anyway.”
One member of the coaching staff did suggest that winning games and not playing sh*t would be the best way to placate supporters but was immediately shouted down.
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