Harry Kane aims for less than 50 steps in health app against Newcastle ​

The only goal he has in mind


As Harry Kane continues his rapid decline to mediocrity, the Tottenham forward has confessed to several of his teammates that he plans to set a new record when he takes to the pitch at St. James Park this weekend.


Having carried his atrocious club form into the international break where the 28-year-old was as effective as a chocolate teapot, it is understood that following his plan to stop running, jumping, and kicking a football whilst in a Spurs shirt, his next course of action is to ensure he obtains the lowest volume of steps ever recorded on the iPhone health app by any professional footballer, in any country, over the past decade.

With the bar set at 78 steps by former Manchester United midfielder Anderson, who needed an oxygen mask after 4 minutes of action for Gremio, Kane plans to outdo the Brazilian playboy and come in at under 50 steps.

“It’s a big ask and it’s definitely a challenge, but I’m up for it,” he told Conor Coady and Luke Shaw whilst away with England.

“When you look at the likes of Dimitar Berbatov and Anthony Martial who have both made successful careers out of strolling around a football field and not looking arsed about anything at all, they still hit 150 steps in the health app on match day.

“It makes me think I could be doing exactly the same thing – but less.”

“I’ve always believed in myself, and am determined to move slower, try less, shrug my shoulders more and basically stop moving altogether. This app can be my guide to and help me achieve my goal. Under 50 steps will be hard going, but I think I can do it.”

It remains to be seen if Kane will ever score another Premier League goal in his career, and Paddy Power News managed to grab a word with Brazil and Barcelona legend Ronaldinho, who was an early adopter of laziness and expert in the art of hardly moving who retired before apps were created to monitor just how little he could do in 90 minutes.

TIRANA, ALBANIA – MARCH 28: Harry Kane of England talks to the media following the FIFA World Cup 2022 Qatar qualifying match between Albania and England at the Qemal Stafa Stadium on March 28, 2021 in Tirana, Albania. Sporting stadiums around Europe remain under strict restrictions due to the Coronavirus Pandemic as Government social distancing laws prohibit fans inside venues resulting in games being played behind closed doors. (Photo by Mattia Ozbot/Getty Images)

“To make a real statement of intent about how lazy he’s being, Harry needs to put on a few pounds,” he confirmed.

“Forget about sophisticated technology, it’s all about image. Once he looks like he’s carrying a spare tyre under his shirt or is photographed eating a doner kebab like Gazza, or better still, needs oxygen like Anderson, that’s when the football world will finally take note.

“At this current time, it isn’t completely obvious. Some people are still calling it bad form or a slow start and he’s still getting an England call up – but speaking from experience and knowing what I know about the beautiful game, if Kane is determined to break records for being a lazy sh*t, he needs to start looking the part too.”

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