Tottenham add Helder Postiga to match day squad as injuries mount ​

Desperate times


Nuno Spirito Santo has been forced to recall Helder Postiga to the Tottenham Hotspur squad for Sunday’s clash with Chelsea, it has emerged.

The striker, signed for £6.25m in 2003 that could’ve risen to £8m if he hadn’t been sh*te, has been added to the playing staff at short notice due to the mounting injury crisis at the Tottenham Stadium.


Following knocks to several first-team forward options, the North London club successfully tracked down their former Portuguese striker in the back pocket of an unnamed ex-Premier League defender, where he’s believed to have been residing for the last 18 years.

“I was stunned when I got the call,” Postiga said when contacted by Paddy Power News.

“Not least because I’ve still got a Nokia 3210 having not seen daylight for the best part of two decades.”

“I’ve been playing Snake for the last three months, still got two bars left – shows you how good the battery is still.”

Scorer of just one goal in 19 Premier League appearances, the now 39-year-old  was still preferred ahead of Vincent Janssen to make up the numbers on the Spurs bench in Chelsea’s 3-0 win on Sunday afternoon, a source close to the club explaining how the club has made “every effort” to scrub all traces of his 3-year spell at the club from the internet.

“Vincent who?” a spokesman said when asked for an official comment on the Dutch forward’s availability.

“Never heard of him, mate.”

“By the way, would you like a free “Tottenham Hotspur League Cup Finalists 2021″ commemorative toilet brush?”

And, much like his Tottenham teammates during his eight appearances for the club, efforts to locate forward Grzegorz Rasiak floundered on Friday morning, leaving Postiga the only option to fill in at short-notice.

The emergency move follows a string of injuries to their attacking options, as well as a series of self-inflicted, Covid-related wounds.

Lucas Moura and winger Steven Bergwijn were both hauled off due to knocks against Rennes in the Europa Conference on Thursday, while Son Heung Min was already out, though they have had a stroke of luck with Eric Dier being sidelined.

They’ve also been without Gio lo Celso, Christian Romero and Davinson Sanchez as their involvement in South American World Cup qualifiers against the Covid advice of the Premier League has seen them hanging around in Croatia for the last ten days for some reason.

They could join the Spurs squad from Heathrow on Sunday provided their luggage doesn’t go missing and there’s no queue at the Passport Control.

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