With Premiership football returning to Scotland this weekend, SPL chiefs have confirmed that the players who were part of the international side’s 0-0 victory over England at the Euros are to be welcomed to the pitch with a guard of honour.
Despite exiting the group stages dead bottom with only one point to their name, the Scotland squad has gone down as the most successful in history and are set to be knighted at the end of the year.
“Legends, the lot of them,” confirmed Donald McCammon, CFO of the SPL. “They went into the Euros as regular men and came out immortal after that England match.
“These are stories we will be telling our children and our grandchildren, and that’s why the lads deserve a special welcome into the new domestic season. We want them to realise their achievements will never be forgotten.”
Despite the likes of Stephen O’Donnell, Ryan Christie and Kevin Nisbet excited at the prospect of a true heroes welcome when they return to action, there have been some questions asked by the Scottish players who ply their trade in England, on how exactly it will work for them, with Manchester United’s Scott McTominay suggesting his Old Trafford team-mates “simply won’t do it”.
“None of the boys want to give me the respect I deserve,” moaned McTominay.
“I’ve seen a lot of praise go to Luke and Harry for reaching the final and making the team of the tournament, but not one single bit of praise has come my way, which I find incredibly weird. Same goes for Kieran at Arsenal and Andy at Liverpool. People are overlooking our success because we are Scottish, and that is sad.
“Anyway, we’ve decided to take a trip up to central Glasgow this weekend. We think by about 8pm the local Wetherspoons will be absolutely rammed with Dark Fruits Twitter, who will definitely give us the guard of honour we deserve. It’ll be bucket hats and Yes Sir, I can boogie, all night long. We will be partying like its 18th June 2021 all over again.”
Elsewhere in Scotland, an irate Celtic fan has been overheard telling his friends that Midtjylland would win the English Premier League if they were in it.
Having lost to the mid-table Danish side during the week, Willy McNeil has referred to them as “the toughest European draw possible” and “sleeping giants”.
“We all know UEFA don’t want Celtic playing with the elite because they can’t handle how big our fan base is, how big our club is and how much history we have, so they rigged the fixtures making us play against the most difficult opposition possible in Midtjylland, ensuring we were knocked out. Well f*ck them, we don’t need them anyway.”
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