Ange Postecoglou introduces ‘Knifey Spoony’ to Celtic training ​

I'd have called it a chuzzwozza

New Parkhead boss Ange Postecoglou will introduce his Celtic squad to unorthodox training methods including the traditional Australian game of ‘Knifey-Spoony’, Paddy Power News understands.

The 55-year-old joins the Glasgow club from Japanese outfit Yokozuna Dan Marino on a 12-month rolling contract.

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Integral to Postecoglou’s Celtic revolution will be ‘Knifey-Spoony’, an Australian game in which two or more players compare knives and spoons.

‘Each player will brandish a knife. The player with the largest knife is declared the winner’, Postecoglou explained to Paddy Power News.

‘However, a player may choose to brandish a spoon instead’.

JEONJU, SOUTH KOREA – FEBRUARY 12: Yokohama F.Marinos head coach Ange Postecoglou celebrates after the AFC Champions League Group H match between Jeonbuk Hyundai Motors and Yokohama F.Marinos at Jeonju World Cup Stadium on February 12, 2020 in Jeonju, South Korea. (Photo by Han Myung-Gu/Getty Images)

‘A tablespoon, teaspoon, soup spoon, dessert spoon – any spoon you like’.

‘A spoon beats a knife UNLESS a knife holding player identifies the spoon, at which point the spoon holding player will be immediately disqualified and the knife holding player is declared the winner’.

However, Celtic legend Rafael Scheidt has questioned Postecoglou’s unconventional training methods, in particular the controversial ‘Knifey-Spoony’.

‘Whilst I appreciate the importance of being able to differentiate between knives and spoons, I fail to see how it will stop Celtic being sh*te’, the Brazilian told PPN.

‘Do you think Jock Stein played ‘Knifey-Spoony’ with Jimmy Johnstone? Did Martin O’Neill play ‘Knifey-Spoony’ with Henrik Larsson?’

Postecoglou dismissed Scheidt’s criticism of ‘Knifey-Spoony’, claiming it was just one of many new training techniques the Celtic squad would be introduced to.

‘If ‘Knifey-Spoony’ doesn’t do the trick, there’s always the giant boot up the arse’, revealed the former Brisbane Roar coach.

Meanwhile, joining the Socceroo revolution at Celtic Park will be Summer Bay hardman Alf Stewart.

Stewart will serve as Postecoglu’s No.2 and the 77-year-old has already made his presence felt in the East End of Glasgow.

‘Alf’s a no-nonsense fella’, revealed Postecoglu.

‘If he feels a player isn’t giving their all in training he’ll call them a ‘flaming galah’ or a ‘big Sheila’ to their face without the slightest hint of hesitation.

Celtic have also announced the signing of an Australian Labrador by the name of Bouncer who will become the club’s official mascot with immediate effect.