Outgoing Manchester United executive vice-chairman Ed Woodward will be awarded the dodgy Old Trafford fax machine which sabotaged several high-profile transfers as part of his severance package, Paddy Power News understands.
The 49-year-old was offered as a sacrifice during a mysterious ceremony involving the Glazer brothers and other shadowy figures in the Old Trafford boardroom last night.
While lying on an altar surrounded by robed executives and directors, Woodward was told he would be leaving the club at the end of the current season.
As part of a generous severance package, the former investment banker will receive the malfunctioning fax machine that scuppered many a deadline day deal as well as a £10 gift voucher for the club’s megastore.
Woodward’s departure is said to have been precipitated by United’s unsuccessful 3-day campaign in the European Super League.
A statement on the club’s website last night read:
‘We’d like to thank Ed for spending £1 billion to transform a title-winning team into a solid top-six side’.
‘His 8-year reign as vice-chairman will be remembered for Moyes, Felliani, Van Gaal, Sanchez and of course, the universally popular European Super League’.
‘We’d like to wish Ed all the best for a future spent miles away from Old Trafford’.
Paddy Power News also understands the club acted after United skipper Harry Maguire threatened to head-butt anyone who supported a breakaway European Super League.
‘There hasn’t been a more devastating head-butt in sport since ‘Superfly’ Jimmy Snuka’, claimed a source.
‘Harry was furious that participation in a European Super League could scupper his chances of exiting the Euros with England at the semi-final stage on penalties this summer’.
‘He was walking around the United boardroom grabbing execs by the scruff of the neck and screaming ‘who wants some? I’ll give it to ya’ in their faces’.
Meanwhile, United confirmed they’ve successfully retrieved manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer from under the team bus after he was thrown underneath it by Woodward and the Glazers last Sunday.
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