England v San Marino: Record Twitter scrolling expected during game ​

Exciting stuff

Behavioural experts from Twitter have confirmed the platform is on for a record-breaking level of activity between 19:45 and 21:30 this evening.

As part of a recent study conducted by the Twitter Watchdog & Algorithm Team Support (TWATS), “mindless scrolling” and “pointless engagement” came top of the list of things to do during an England qualifier.

Experts from TWATS went on to provide results from the study, which revealed football fans lose interest in an England qualifier quicker than they do listening to a Coldplay song or Boris press conference.

Having analysed the data of over 1 million football fans, it was revealed that, on average, they will tolerate Chris Martin for 4 seconds and Boris for 2 seconds before zoning out. When it came to an England qualifier, however, fans gave it just 0.0001 seconds before losing interest.

Global sh*t-houses FIFA, who have chosen to ruin summer 2022 by moving the only interesting element of international football, the World Cup finals, to December, have released this official statement:

“We don’t know how to combat the utter boredom of World Cup qualifiers so please stop asking us.”

Interestingly, leaked documents suggest an intern working within the FIFA marketing team did present a “revolutionary” solution.

The idea is believed to involve a complete rebrand of the qualification process. The concept is to rename the qualifiers to make them sound important, create a modernised logo, have each game endorsed by social media influencers, spend millions on advertising, but deliver the same old sh*t as before and hope nobody realises.

FIFA World Cup 2022 Qatar

2002 is currently on record as the most successful year for this type of behaviour, when the World Wrestling Federation (WWF) became World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE), and phone network One2One became T Mobile. Total rebrands, still the same trash.

In more recent times Ask Jeeves fooled nobody when it reinvented itself as Ask, and the greatest waste of time in the global football calendar, international friendlies, are now being served up as the UEFA Nations League.

If the rumours are to be believed, World Cup qualifiers will soon be known as the Global Chalice Face-Off World Series, sponsored by Ask, with analysts agreed that the rebrand is likely to blow the Marathon-to-Snickers rebrand out of the water.


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