Football mums speak out: ‘They hug their teammates more than us’ ​

'I've made my bed and tidied my room - I'll celebrate how I like, mum'


A group representing the parents of Premier League footballers have released a statement lambasting their sons for hugging teammates when celebrating goals.

In a press release that surely could’ve been restricted to the family Whatsapp group, the relatives group Premier Parents United bemoaned the high-profile cavorting of players in recent weeks.


“We see them hugging and cuddling after they score goals – it’s a total disgrace.

“They can’t do it with us, but they’re all over some lad from the u-23s when a goal goes in?

“It’s devastating.”

And the pressure group is calling for immediate action on the part of legislators.

“The government must withdraw Playstation privileges and compel them to cut the grass at least once a month until they learn some manners – or at least give us a call every now and then.”

“It’s not much to ask.”

In response, a Premier League footballer, speaking on condition of anonymity, said: “Look, I love my mum, but she’s got to ask herself has she banged in a 93rd-minute winner for us recently?”

“No, she hasn’t.”

“When she starts hitting the back of the net again she’ll get plenty of attention.

“Or if there’s chicken dippers and chips for tea. She might get a hug for that.”

And a prominent pundit, also too much of coward to speak on the record in case he gets grounded, said:

“You have to question your mum’s desire when she doesn’t show up for big games.

“That’s what it’s all about at the very top – having the hunger for it. Has she got complacent?

“The fact she gave us socks and a Lynx Africa set again this year for Christmas would make you wonder, to be honest.”

When asked, a government spokesman said they currently have no plans to move on the proposals but that “if reports of players leaving the toilet seat up and not cleaning up after trimming their facial hair in the bathroom continue to proliferate, we may have no choice but to act.”

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