Breaking News: Arsenal relieved to secure payday loan ​

Phew. Thought for a minute there the owners might have to dip into their pockets


Arsenal have taken out a payday loan with an interest rate of 50,853% after owner Stan Kroenke revealed he’s down to his last $10 billion.

The 73-year-old tycoon sanctioned the 50 quid loan after office staff at The Emirates informed the board that they’d run out of tea bags and biscuits.

Kroenke is currently recuperating at home after dropping a quarter which hit him on the back of the head.

In a statement released this morning via the club’s official website, Kroenke Sports & Entertainment said:

‘We are taking a payday loan so our valued office staff can replenish their stock of tea and biscuits’.

‘Janice in accounts threw an absolute sh*t fit this morning when she opened the cupboard and discovered all the bourbon creams had been eaten’.

‘This will partially assist in managing the impacts of the revenue losses we’ve incurred since we can no longer half fill our stadium with disgruntled supporters’.

Meanwhile, Kroenke broke down in tears while discussing his own perilous financial situation.

‘I haven’t a pot to piss in’, he confessed to Paddy Power News.

‘These are unprecedented times for all of us. The wife and I have cut it down to 14 lobster-based meals per week and we’ve just had the waterfall feature ripped out of the 7th floor bathroom in our home’.

‘Of course, I would have loved to have bought Janice’s rectangular buttercream filled rectangular biscuits using money from my own pocket but sometimes you have to think about yourself’.

Eric von Swindler, CEO of payday loan firm said he was ‘delighted’ to be able assist Arsenal with a short-term loan.

‘Bonga are happy to lend Arsenal FC £50 until the end of the month, at which point they will repay us a measly £27,975’.

‘However, we must warn the Gunners, late repayments can cause you serious money problems’.

In other news, after it was announced that playmaker Mesut Ozil was leaving the club, club mascot Gunnersaurus was spotted outside a Jobcentre in Finsbury.

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