Arsenal profits soar as club saves fortune on win bonuses ​

It's all part of a cunning plan, you see.


Arsenal have announced huge end of year profits thanks to a shrewd new policy of withholding win bonuses by losing every game they play.

In their financial results for the six months until the end of December 2020, the club revealed massive cash reserves generated by playing sh*te in every competition they entered.

The announcement follows Arsenal’s 4-1 spanking to a Man City side who’ve so far this season looked unable to score in a house of ill repute with a blank cheque signed by Sheikh Mansour.

A statement on behalf of Kroenke Sports & Entertainment said: “Since adopting a policy of losing every game at the beginning of the season, we’ve saved a fortune on win bonuses.

WATCH: Global superstar visits Le Tiss to give him a chilling Christmas vision in the latest episode of ‘Pundits’

“We’ve also saved a few bob on goal bonuses since instructing Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang to play like Bendtner and miss all his chances.

“The cheeky bugger disobeyed orders and scored during the Burnley game but we had to remind him that OGs don’t warrant goal bonuses.

“We need to spend this money effectively if we are to compete at the level our ambitions for the club demand – a Europa League spot and an FA Cup run.”

Meanwhile, after last night’s 4-1 humbling at the hands of Manchester City, under-fire Arsenal boss Mikel Arteta has promised the club’s supporters he will continue to do everything within his power to make them keep losing their sh*t on AFTV.

READ MORE: Paddy’s guide to the naffest tat from club shops this Christmas ​

“Seeing a grown man foam at the mouth on AFTV over Arsenal’s latest sh*t show is what motivates these players,” he said.

“I want to reassure our fans that I will do whatever it takes to allow them to continue having their little meltdowns.”

In other news, it’s rumoured that Arsenal fans will stage a plane banner protest during their side’s next fixture.

A banner with the words: “Wenger In” written in seven-foot-high red lettering will be flown above The Emirates before Arsenal’s clash with rivals Chelsea.

Read More:

Get the latest Premier League odds on


What do you think?