Goal-shy Aubameyang advises Mustafi on getting new contract at Arsenal ​

It helps if you play well *before* the contract expires. Before. Very important that.


Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang has offered a sliver of hope Shkodran Mustafi as he faces the Arsenal exit this coming summer when his contract expires.

The German international has endured a torrid time at the north London club since signing from Valencia in 2016 – for a fee believed to be in excess of £35million – failing to establish himself as a sold option ahead of the likes of Rob Holding, David Luiz and just about anyone who can lace up a pair of boots near Ashburton Grove.

But 28-year-old hasn’t given up hope of extending his stay with the Gooners, especially when the club is more gullible than the latest victim of the wallet inspector when it comes to handing out lengthy, lucrative extensions.

And, in a bid to secure his future with the Premier League side, he has turned to his under-performing teammate Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang for guidance.

“Obviously it helps to play well before your contract is up, then go to sh*t after it,” the Gabonese ex-striker explained according to a source close the players.

Continuing an Arsenal tradition established by Mesut Ozil, Aubameyang, 31, has seen his form turn to pure scutter since signing a new £350,000 three-year contract at the Emirates in September.  He’s had just four shots on target in nine appearances since doing the deal after nabbing 22 league goals in the previous campaign.

LONDON, ENGLAND - NOVEMBER 28: Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang of Arsenal celebrates after scoring his team's first goal during the UEFA Europa League group F match between Arsenal FC and Eintracht Frankfurt at Emirates Stadium on November 28, 2019 in London, United Kingdom. (Photo by Shaun Botterill/Getty Images)

And while failing to hit the target again-and-again might earn you hero status if you’re Bobby Firmino and others are banging them in, if your team’s next best goal threat is David Luiz flinging himself around like a wayward missile in the box it’s more of a problem.

“You could try David’s approach to get the manager’s attention – it got him a new deal, somehow, last season – though you have to get in the team for that…” Auba mused as the two discussed the defender’s predicament.

“My best advice then would be to get some absolute nonsense transfer rumours dropped in the press by your agent.”

“Just make sure it’s so ridiculous it makes the boss think it must have some truth to it because no one could even imagine a club like, say, Barcelona being interested in signing a donkey like you unless it came from the club.”

“No offence.”

“And who knows? They might even happen – how’d you think Thomas Vermaelen ended up there…”

However, the former Dortmund star suggested that asking the club to fire any further stuff to make room on the wage-bill would be a misstep.

“First, they sacked everyone they could to cover my wages. If they dump any more people we’ll have to scrub our own jockstraps – or at least outsource that job ourselves to some lackey or useless family member.”

“Second, Stan Kroenke has the tea lady’s sweet, sweet £21,036-per-annum earmarked for his own pockets whenever he fires her, so don’t step on his toes.”

The forward then suggested that another Gunners outcast and Germany international could advise him further, but Mustafi explained that Mesut Ozil was too busy owning Pier Morgan online to join them for a chat.

Though he might call later to chip in with a few tactics on trolling Arsenal once he’d concluded his scheduled crazy golf tee-time with Gunnersaurus that afternoon.

That meant Aubameyang could offer one final suggestion: “be patient.”

“The fans are already calling Arteta ‘Pulis with Lego hair’. If I keep playing this badly it’s only a matter of time before there’s a new gaffer.

“Mesut’ll be back and all when that happens.”

See if Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang bothers his arse this Sunday when Arsenal play Tottenham in the North London Derby

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