Premier League to charge fans for oxygen at games when crowds return ​

Take a deep breath... and cough up more dough...


The Premier League announced plans today to charge fans for breathing within the confines of grounds whenever supporters are allowed to return to games, Paddy Power News can exclusively reveal.

Hot on the heels of news that games not currently scheduled for TV broadcast will be only available for supporters to view at  £14.95 PER GAME to see their team slump to 1-0 home defeat against Palace or Burnley, the top-flight clubs are set on extracting even more money from supporters whenever they’re allowed back into grounds by adding a £9.95 “oxygen levy” to every match day ticket to make up the shortfall in profits caused by the global pandemic.

A spokesperson explained how the league has been impacted.

“Just as supporter’s lives have been affected by Covid-19, so too, the licence to print money that is the Premier League has seen its bottom-line dented by the fallout.

“And that has consequences for everyone involved. You wouldn’t believe the depths some club owners have been brought to in recent months – Roman Abramovich has been living on beans on toast for the last fortnight.”

“He f**king reeks now.”

To put the situation right, extra measures, such as the £14.95 charge for live streaming individual games, have been deemed necessary, but this is not enough, so further proposals have been agreed once it is safe to allow fans back to games.


“To soften the blow of the money tap’s supply being briefly interrupted, the Premier League clubs have agreed that all match tickets will have a surcharge applied for the use of facilities some may take for granted within each stadium,” a statement read.

“We considered applying a ‘charge-per-step’ around each ground – those in the upper tiers being charged for requiring steps that those on lower-tiers do not. However, the thought of fans getting ‘free exercise’ before games due to the position of their seat disturbed several clubs, so a universal ‘oxygen charge’ was settled upon.

“After all, oxygen doesn’t grow on trees. And nor does a clean, sheltered, comfortable environment in which to watch the Most Exciting League in the World while consuming said oxygen.

“So it only seems fair that fans pay something towards that.”

That is on top of their tickets. And £8 hotdogs. And p*ss-weak lager in plastic bottles that can’t be taken inside the ground. And £90 shirts each season. And player names charged by the letter. And Sky. And BT….

Football – Bristol City v Cardiff City – FA Cup Third Round – Ashton Gate – 09/10 – 12/1/10
General view of Television camera operator / snow
Mandatory Credit: Action Images / Paul Childs

Elsewhere, the news that clubs are to charge fans online for viewing games has met with concern amongst those who stream games on pirate websites from around the world.

“You might think this is great for us. not to mention all the hot singles in your area, but we’re not sure our servers will be able to cope with the demand,” the admin of said when contacted, on condition of anonymity.

“Our demand is through the roof already with no fans in grounds.

“Sometimes as many as 35 people are watching the City games, for example. Though we suspect most of those are bots.”


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