Breaking Transfer News: Chelsea plan £40m swoop for your nan ​

They've already signed everyone else tbf


Chelsea have made a £40m bid to sign your nan, according to reports.

After running out of professional footballers to purchase, the Stamford Bridge outfit have launched an audacious bid to bring your nan to South West London.


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A Chelsea delegation met with nursing home representatives yesterday to discuss a deal to bring the 79-year-old to the club.

It’s understood the Blues will offer your nan a 3-year deal worth £150k-per-week plus add-ons.

Nursing home insiders have tipped your nan to dominate English football next season should the move materialise.

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Talking to Paddy Power News about the bid, Chelsea director Marina Granovskaia said:

‘Your nan is an outstanding talent, and at 79 her best years are still ahead of her’.

‘We’re working round the clock to get the deal done. We have no doubt her experience and quality will complement the many thousand exciting talents we signed already this summer’.

Chelsea boss Frank Lampard refused to be drawn on the matter but did say your nan would be a quality addition to any squad in the world:

‘I make it my policy not to comment on seniors who belong to other retirement communities but someone of your nan’s ability would improve any team she played in’.

Meanwhile, your nan has requested to be left out of this evening’s friendly game of backgammon while developments regarding her future are ongoing.

Discussing the potential move with Paddy Power News, your nan said:

‘This is an exciting new challenge at a crucial period in my development’.


‘I’ll be just one of several thousand new faces this summer and competition for places will be fierce’.

‘I’m looking forward to helping that delightful young man Roman Abramovich build his new empire’.

In other news, with Manchester United seemingly on the brink of signing Ajax’s Netherlands midfielder Donny van de Beek, fans of the club are wondering how Ed Woodward will f**k it up this time.

‘Ed’s gotta think outside the box for this one. Get creative’, said former defender Rio Ferdinand.

‘He’s on course to make this United’s worst transfer window since 2013. F**king up the Van de Beek deal could be the difference’.

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