Woodward dials 999 after closing fingers in transfer window

Manchester United’s Ed Woodward has been injured after accidentally closing his fingers in the transfer window, it has emerged.

The 48-year-old was taken to North Manchester General Hospital by horse and cart where he underwent a painful six-hour procedure which normally takes around 30 minutes.

Merchandise salesman Woodward was at his Cheshire home this morning when the incident occurred.

It’s understood he was trying to open the problematic window when it slammed shut on his fingers.

Speaking to Paddy Power News from his hospital bed, Woodward said: “I’ve the same issue with that bloody window every summer.

“I think it’s something to do with the humidity. I can never keep it open.

“I’ve been meaning to fix it, but I’ve had a few estimates and they’re way off.

“Some passers-by saw me from the window and started chanting ‘Glaziers out!’, which was pretty sound advice given the circumstances.”

Man City-supporting Dr Steph O’Scope, who treated Woodward upon his arrival at the hospital, is recommending he rest until the autumn.

“We’ve advised Ed not to return to work until October 5 at the earliest,” she said.

Meanwhile, Manchester United confirmed they’ve hired a sloth to conduct the club’s transfer negotiations in Woodward’s absence.

In a statement, a spokesperson for the club said: “We’re delighted to announce the appointment of Jim the Sloth as our chief negotiator while Ed recovers from his latest transfer window related incident.