DISCLAIMER: While Paddy Power makes every effort to sift all traces of bullsh*t from the daily transfer rumours, we accept no liability should a steaming pile of grade A manure be found in the following piece
Only a couple of days into the Premier League offseason and already we can feel the will to live slowly seep from our bodies as the words Jadon Sancho and Man United are yoked together.
Today’s episode in what will almost certainly be the Coronation Street of the Premier League transfer window soap operas is “news” that Man United’s “opening £89m bid has been REJECTED” by Borussia Dortmund.
Jadon Sancho may need to 'push through' his own move to Manchester United pic.twitter.com/GbWBUiLCVv
— The Sun Football ⚽ (@TheSunFootball) July 20, 2020
Given we seem to have been hearing about this possible transfer since before Mason Greenwood was born, the news that the Red Devils are only actually making an offer for the player now is enough to make even @MUFC4eva1999 twitter account lapse into despair.
That United are going to waste all our time haggling over an amount of money they could make by launching a special edition, only-worn-on-Tuesday-nights-in-months-ending-with-the-letter-‘R’ kit tells us that this deal is as inevitable as Roy Cropper, once again, finding himself in an awkward situation due to his lack of social skills, with gently humorous and heart-warming results.
Hit the road, Jack
Dean Smith could have more than a relegation-avoiding-celebration hangover to worry about in the next few days as another potential ‘saga’ kicks up a level following reports that Jack Grealish’s long-mooted move to Machester may be back on as well – if he’s willing to accept a spot on the bench every now and again.
Bruno Fernandes’s arrival looked to have scuppered the Villa star’s chances of joining the Old Trafford side, but the Portuguese’s passing has less accurate than the average Donald Trump tweet in the last few weeks. We’re putting it down to tiredness for now, but it could just be that United’s coaching is n’t very good.
Either way, United probably need someone to fill on for/possibly replace the now completely useless Fernandes as Jesse Lingard is, well, Jesse Lingard, and probably off to one of those clubs that buy Man United players when they’re no use anymore.
If that tempts spring-heeled Jack, we’d expect the Claret-bleeding Grealish to be ripping it up at Old Trafford next season, despite Villa’s apparent asking price of £80m.
Blue Kai Thinking
Another red-hot midfield talent possibly on the move is Bayer Leverkusen starlet Kai Havertz, whose long-rumoured move to Stamford Bridge is back on thanks to Frank Lampard’s amazing feat of keeping them in the Champions League next season.
The 21-year-old is keen on joining the Blues’ growing German contingent, and who wouldn’t want to work with the most talented coach British football has seen since… well, ever.
£80m is being talked of as possible fee, and, with Frank being the daddy, we wouldn’t be surprised if he picked up Jurgen Klopp, turned him upside-down, and shook the requisite sum out of the Liverpool gaffer’s pockets considering the way he bossed the newly-crowned league champions boss last week… as his side was comprehensively outclassed.
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Speaking of being outclassed, the world’s most expensive sieve, Kepa Arrizabalaga, is expected to be throwing them in somewhere else next too, with Chelsea said to be eager to not let in quite as many goals next season.
Is Frank a tactical genius or is Frank a tactical genius?
Drawing up a Football Manager-like shortlist, they’re apparently sweet on Jan Oblak and Andre Onana – just like more-or-less every club looking for a keeper right now – and the name Nick Pope has been mentioned, though whether Sean Dyche will give him time off from working at mill to make the trip to London remains to be seen.