It’s that classic footballing tale, isn’t it? You wait 30 long, long years to finally return to the summit of English football, and get within touching distance of it before a global pandemic comes along and brings the curtain down on proceedings just before you’re declared champions – and now you wait with bated breath to see if the season will be scrapped completely.
OK, so it’s not that classic, but you’ve got to feel for Liverpool fans. Practically overnight they’ve gone from potentially being days away from seeing their team lift a maiden Premier League trophy to being forced to stay indoors and watch reruns of games that took them to the cusp of glory – with the knowledge that it may all have been in vain.
If the universe (and an infected bat) had gone in a slightly different direction, Liverpool would have surely been champions by now. But what would that world have looked like? How would Reds fans have reacted? Well, like this, obviously…
1. Invading your social media feeds
Of course, the very first port of call will be to make the absolute maximum possible of the bragging rights. Which means every single one of your social media news feeds would have been dominated by your Reds-supporting friends’ incessant boasting.
Every time you logged on you’d have seen something new: a shared video montage from Liverpool’s official page; a dissertation-length status about their season highlights; new profile pictures of Mo Salah celebrating; retweets from celebrity fans coming out of the woodwork. You wouldn’t be able to move for nauseating Liverpool content.
But at least it would make a nice change from excruciatingly dull photos of your friends’ babies or home workouts.
2. Getting a tattoo
Marking a momentous occasion with a tattoo is a rite of passage for many football fans, and this would have been no exception.
Social media would be flooded with pictures of creative and bizarre tattoos – Jurgen Klopp appearing to give birth to the Premier League trophy whilst Mo Salah, Sadio Mane and Roberto Firmino hold his hands, anyone? – which mark their title win in gory style.
Just spare a thought for those fans who tempted fate a little too much earlier this year…
Confident Liverpool fan gets Premier League Champions Tattoo ahead of actually winning it ??????????? pic.twitter.com/NTeBTLNKMa
— Jeff_Tymer ????????? (@Jeff_Tymer_) February 9, 2020
3. Busting out the sewing kit
Within 24 hours of the title triumph being confirmed, Liverpool fans would be straight round to their mum’s house asking her to dust off the sewing kit for the first time since they left primary school. This time, however, they’d want a Premier League winner’s badge and star stitched on to this season’s replica Liverpool shirt to mark the occasion, rather than their name tag in case they lost it.
4. Changing their voicemail message
“Hello, I’m sorry I can’t take your call at the moment. That’s because I’m too busy CELEBRATING LIVERPOOL WINNING THE F*CKING PREMIER LEAGUE! ‘AVE THAT UNITED! ‘AVE THAT CITY! ‘AVE THAT IN YOUR HOLE, YOU BLUE NOSE B*STARDS! LIVERPOOL, CHAMPIONS OF ENGLAND ONCE AGAIN! ALLEZ, ALLEZ, ALLEZ! Please leave your name and number after the beep and I’ll get back to you. Thanks!”
5. Redecorating their office
That dull cubicle you’ve never noticed in the corner of your office? Yeah, that would suddenly become a sea of red scarves and flags, the walls adorned with posters of Jurgen Klopp, with the desk housing a “Champions 2019/20” coffee mug and an inflatable Premier League trophy.
This is despite the fact you never knew that colleague even liked football. Every office knows this pain.
6. Getting You’ll Never Walk Alone to No1
With the title wrapped up, a coordinated campaign from Spotify-savvy Liverpool fans would have unfolded online. The mission? To get Gerry & The Pacemakers’ signature tune to the top of the charts.
And given how the club’s success would bring so many “supporters” out of the woodwork, there would be enough to make them achieve their goal. Streaming services would be inundated, CDs snapped up, and vinyl sold out as You’ll Never Walk Alone goes to No1.
Just be grateful that Top of the Pops isn’t on TV anymore.
7. Launch a campaign to rename Liverpool John Lennon Airport
Since 2001 Liverpool’s international airport has been named after one of the city’s most famous sons. But the achievement of redefining the world of music as we know it pales into insignificance when compared to what a certain German has done at Anfield over the past four-and-a-half years.
If the Reds had secured the trophy they desire most, you can be sure a Parliamentary petition calling for the airport to be renamed Liverpool Jurgen Klopp Airport would be well on the way to hitting the necessary number signatures. Especially when you consider how many times supporters would be inundating Facebook feeds with it.
Hmmm… maybe you haven’t got to feel for Liverpool fans after all?
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