This is a worrying time for the people of Great Britain. Every day seems to bring another grim development, with things growing evermore out of control. There’s simply no getting away from the fact it’s a truly dire situation, and it’s only going to get worse.
We are, of course, talking about the population’s hair.
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With the nation’s hairdressers and barbers closed for business indefinitely, we’re all getting increasingly conscious of our unkempt barnets. But we’re here to help you keep your chin up. Because no matter how yours is looking right now, it really can’t be any worse than these questionably-coiffured Gunners…
LONDON – OCTOBER 26 : A portrait of Fredrik Ljungberg of Arsenal during the FA Barclaycard Premiership match between Arsenal and Blackburn Rovers at Highbury in London on October 26, 2002. (Photo By Phil Cole/Getty Images) Blackburn won the match 2-1.
10. Freddie Ljungberg
The Swede’s red stripe took on a life of its own as his goals got Arsenal across the line in their 2002 Double-winning season. Every young, immature fan wanted to copy the look, but there’s a reason why nobody has sported it since…
Crap hair rating: 2/10
Arsenal’s Spanish goalkeeper Manuel Almunia shows his disappointment during their UEFA Champions League semi final 2nd leg football match against Manchester United at the Emirates Stadium, North London, England, on May 5, 2009. AFP PHOTO/CARL DE SOUZA (Photo credit should read CARL DE SOUZA/AFP via Getty Images)
9. Manuel Almunia
Given what he was like in goal, we can only think of one reason why Alumnia suddenly went blonde. He must have been putting away his missus’ hair dye in the cupboard when the bottle slipped straight through his butterfingers and poured all over his bonce.
Crap hair rating: 3/10
https://www.instagram.com/p/B-b_SLAIv5-/
8. Shkodran Mustafi
The German’s penchant for a comedy howler is well known, and that reputation now extends to his grooming too. For years he looked just fine as the spitting image of Hank Scorpio from The Simpsons, but after dying his hair silver he looks as if he’s about to drop the most fire rap album of 2020. Unsurprisingly, it’s a look that doesn’t suit him.
Crap hair rating: 4/10
7. Ray Parlour
The Romford Pele has made more Premier League appearances for Arsenal than any other player in the club’s history. Which means Gooners were “treated” to the sight of his flowing golden locks some 333 times during his time with the club. The mane thinned out in the later years (we’ve all been there, right fellas?) but in the early days he better resembled an Essex hairdresser called Susan.
Crap hair rating: 5/10
LONDON – OCTOBER 26: Arsenal underpressure goalkeeper David Seaman looks dejected after his team mate Edu scores an own goal during the FA Barclaycard Premiership match between Arsenal and Blackburn Rovers at Highbury in London on October 26, 2002. (Photo By Phil Cole/Getty Images)
6. David Seaman
Bell and Spurling couldn’t have put it better when they sung: “Seaman, Seaman, Seaman, your hair is in a right old state; All you need is a Mark I Escort and sovereign ring mate; What a wally David looks, his hair will have to go, cos he’s a cross between Burt Reynolds and Peter Stringfellow.”
Crap hair rating: 6/10
Arsenal’s Cameroonian defender Alexandre Song (L) vies with Stoke City’s English midfielder Jermaine Pennant (R) during their English Premier League football match at the Emirates Stadium in London, on February 23, 2011. AFP PHOTO/GLYN KIRKFOR EDITORIAL USE ONLY Additional licence required for any commercial/promotional use or use on TV or internet (except identical online version of newspaper) of Premier League/Football League photos. Tel DataCo +44 207 2981656. Do not alter/modify photo. (Photo credit should read GLYN KIRK/AFP via Getty Images)
5. Alex Song
OK, we get the sweet thinking behind this eye-catching blonde style as a tribute to his uncle, former Liverpool and West Ham defender Rigobert Song. But surely Alex should have learned from his uncle’s mistake and realised this is not a good look on anyone?!
Crap hair rating: 6/10
https://www.instagram.com/p/BTT23mFA-R-/
4. Hector Bellerin
Fashionista Bellerin has had more styles than he’s had hot (vegan) dinners, but his barnet hit a low point back in 2017. We’re not sure whether it was a fashion statement or simply made it easier to get rid of nits, but we are certain his next haircut was better – it can’t have been worse.
Crap hair rating: 7/10
UDINE, ITALY – AUGUST 24: Gervinho of Arsenal battles with Joel Ekstrand of Udinese during the UEFA Champions League play-off second leg match between Udinese Calcio and Arsenal FC at the Stadio Friuli on August 24, 2011 in Udine, Italy. (Photo by Jamie McDonald/Getty Images)
3. Gervinho
Ivorian winger Gervinho caught the eye when the Gunners splashed out £11m on him back in 2011. Unfortunately for him, however, it was his hairline – or rather the lack of it – that grabbed the attention as opposed to what he was doing on the pitch. At least it gave fans something else to look at in disbelief after witnessing him miss yet another open goal.
Crap hair rating: 9/10
Arsenal playing Chelsea tonight gives us all the excuse needed to tweet this pic of a young Cesc Fabregas and his magnificent mullet. #ARSCHE pic.twitter.com/nC4PUEyNBs
— Kit Crimes ⚽️ (@KitCrimes) January 3, 2018
2. Cesc Fabregas
You’ve got to be really f*cking sure of your talent when you step on to the pitch to make your Premier League debut aged 17, sporting a bouffant mullet that wouldn’t like out of place on Edward Scissorhands’ street. Fabregas certainly was and let his feet do the talking, although we bet his hairdresser at the time could tell a few stories about how he managed to tame that mane.
Crap hair rating: 9/10
Arsenal’s Moroccan forward Marouane Chamakh (L) scores their third goal during the English Premier League football match between Blackburn Rovers and Arsenal at Ewood Park, Blackburn, north-west England on September 17 2011. AFP PHOTO/ANDREW YATES. RESTRICTED TO EDITORIAL USE. No use with unauthorized audio, video, data, fixture lists, club/league logos or “live” services. Online in-match use limited to 45 images, no video emulation. No use in betting, games or single club/league/player publications. (Photo credit should read ANDREW YATES/AFP via Getty Images)
1. Marouane Chamakh
Where do you start with Chamakh’s follicle monstrosity? It’s a hybrid fusion of a mullet, a faux-hawk and a receding hairline on a GCSE-age kid who is learning to use hair gel for the first time (and uses an entire tub per application).
If Marouane could have just settled on one particular style – or done himself a favour and simply shaved the lot off – he’d have looked just fine. But he didn’t, which is exactly why he takes the award for Arsenal’s sh*ttest haircut ever by some distance.
Crap hair rating: 10/10
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