Southgate ‘disappointed’ at postponement of turnip on his head until 2021

Can you really call yourself an England manager if you haven't had a vegetable superimposed onto your scalp by the papers?


Devastated England boss Gareth Southgate has revealed his disappointment at the decision to postpone the British tabloids photoshopping a turnip onto his head until 2021.

The 49-year-old said 2-years preparations for a front-page appearance on a red top newspaper were now down the drain.

‘I’m absolutely gutted’, claimed the waistcoated one.

‘I was really looking forward to the tabloids installing us as pre-tournament favourites only to exit at the semis in a shootout’.

‘Obviously the pinnacle of any England manager’s career is having a root vegetable digitally imposed onto his head’.

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‘I’ve been robbed of that wonderful experience’, sobbed Southgate while blowing his crooked nose into a St George’s flag.

European football’s governing body made the decision during an emergency video conference involving major stakeholders on Tuesday.

‘In light of the escalating global situation, we’ve decided to postpone Gareth’s tabloid ridicule until 2021’, explained Uefa president Aleksander Ceferin.

‘All the UEFA staff, myself included, were looking forward to seeing which vegetable they’d stick on his head’.

‘I got a parsnip in the sweep but I’ve sneaking suspicion they’ll give Garth a horseradish next year’, added the 52-yr-old Slovenian.

England skipper Harry Kane says he’s ‘gutted’ for Southgate as he knows how much the turnip meant to his manager.

‘All the lads are devastated for the gaffer’, slobbered Kane.

‘We were looking forward to bottling it in the semis again this summer’.

Kane celebrates after scoring

LONDON, ENGLAND – NOVEMBER 14: Harry Kane of England celebrates after scoring his sides fifth goal during the UEFA Euro 2020 qualifier between England and Montenegro at Wembley Stadium on November 14, 2019 in London, England. (Photo by Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images)

‘You can rest assured we’ll be doing everything in our power to bring that turnip home next year’, added Kane while browsing Manchester’s PropertyPal.

Meanwhile, England fans are equally as gutted at UEFA’s decision to postpone their obligatory tournament riots until 2021.

Summer tournaments provide the perfect conditions for prolonged riotous behaviour with its extended daylight hours and glorious weather.

At the epicentre of any violent public disturbance during major finals, you’ll normally find an inebriated sunburnt imbecile draped in a St George’s cross.

‘I can’t believe it’, blubbed 50-year-old menace to society, ‘Buster’ Harris.

‘What better way to take the gloss off the team’s performances on the pitch, than by engaging in a running battle with opposition supporters off it?’.

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