Third fan dies from boredom during Premier League winter break

Something needs to be done.

A Dublin man was tragically bored to death last night while waiting for the return of Premier League football, it has emerged.

It takes the total number of ‘Winter Break’ related deaths to three, as men and women across the country struggle to cope with life without top-flight English football.

33-yr-old Jim Boardman passed away while waiting on his girlfriend Susan outside a Dublin City Centre clothes shop. It’s understood Jim reluctantly agreed to accompany his long-term partner on the shopping trip in the absence of Monday Night Football.

Forensics experts estimate Jim was stood outside the shop for between 35-45 minutes before finally succumbing to the effects of boredom.

Paramedics on the scene claimed it was the worst case of Winter Break related death they’d seen so far.

“It looks like he ran out of phone data within 10 minutes of waiting outside the shop”, explained paramedic Ron St John. “After that, it was only a matter of time before the poor b*stard was bored to death”, he added.

A devastated other half told police they’d lost track of time after initially telling Jim they were “only nipping in for a quick nosy”.

“Jim had been struggling without the football. Things got that bad he was going to stream a Greek Superleague game last night. It was hard seeing him like that. So, I made him come shopping with me. I thought getting him out of the house would do him the world of good’.

But when they got to the doors of the busy department store, Jim’s loved one recalls that he had a sudden change of heart.

“I asked Jim if he wanted to come into the shop with me but he said he’d rather stir fry his own feet. I told him I’d only be five minutes but then I totally lost track of time.”

It follows hot on the heels of the death of Louth woman Danielle Winton, who succumbed to boredom while accompanying her significant other around their local supermarket last Sunday afternoon.

The 47-yr-old was just settling down to watch the City Vs West Ham game when it was announced the fixture had been cancelled due to adverse weather conditions.

Seizing the opportunity, Danielle’s partner informed her that she would be helping do the family’s weekly food shop instead. However, less than 15 minutes into Danielle’s trek around the congested supermarket, the mother-of-two was bored to death.

Her unfortunate spouse blames the Winter Break for her passing and claims the family would have lost her last summer had it not been for the Rugby World Cup.

“That gave her a wee excuse to get pissed in front of the TV while the football was on a break. But no one told her about the winter break this year. It came as an awful shock to her.”

A third person, Alan Dimmock from Newry, died from boredom after he was forced to spend Saturday afternoon in the company of his family.

According to his best friend Charlie Hegarty, Alan had been struggling to come to terms with the Winter Break.

“Normally, if there was an international break or something, Alan would fanny about in his garden to avoid having to do anything with his wife and children.

“But the storm meant he was forced to stay indoors and watch re-runs of You’ve Been Framed with his missus and kids. He was bored to death very quickly. The doctor said he wouldn’t have felt a thing.”

In response to the spate of recent deaths, health experts are advising those affected by the Winter Break to take the necessary precautions:

“Go watch Sunday League down the local park if you have to, anything to avoid being roped into shopping trips or long-distance drives to visit geriatric relatives that stink of urine.

“Make sure to check in on friends who completed Dry January on top of this winter break. What a f**king six weeks they’ve had.”

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