Liverpool’s top-secret rehabilitation techniques revealed

They’re going to need them this week!


Liverpool’s fixture congestion has led boss Jurgen Klopp to take drastic action in order to ensure his title-chasing squad remain in optimum condition.

The Champions League-winning German stunned reporters yesterday with an expletive-laden rant during which he compared The Reds’ fixture pile-up to an ‘I’m a Celebrity’ bush tucker trial.

‘It’s bollocks’, exclaimed the 52-year-old while chomping on a kangaroo’s testicle before a stunned press room.

Jurgen Klopp

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Klopp was referring of course to Liverpool’s hectic schedule which sees them play 26 games this week.

‘We’ve a cup game at Villa Park on Tuesday, a Club World Cup game in Qatar on Wednesday, then we play an intergalactic All-Star XI on the moon on Thursday’, said Klopp while gagging on a pig’s sphincter muscle.

The unprecedented fixture list has forced the Anfield outfit to try out some unusual rehabilitation techniques as they try to keep their players in peak condition.

The former Dortmund boss took us to the club’s treatment room where his 23-man World Club Cup squad were in Hypersleep Chambers similar to those seen in the Alien movie franchise.

“We’ve cryogenically frozen the players ahead of the trip to Qatar”, explained Klopp.

“It will suspend their body’s autonomic functions while maintaining the health of each individual cell during stasis’, he added while fending off a Facehugger.

We followed the German tactician into another room where reserve goalkeeper Caoimhin Kelleher was sleeping soundly in a hyperbaric oxygen chamber previously owned by Michael Jackson.

The King of Pop thought napping in the rejuvenation tank would prolong his life before his premature death at the age of 50.

“We conducted a study and found it helps promote the growth of older cells which effectively slows down the ageing process”, revealed Klopp while ‘moonwalking’ past the chamber.

Finally, Klopp took us to the treatment room where Liverpool’s injured stars Dejan Lovren and Georgino Wijnaldum were undergoing what he described as ‘Sonic Pressure Therapy’.

“We heard they used this technique in Guantanamo Bay”, revealed the former Mainz boss while cranking Rammstein’s ‘Du Hast’ up to 180 decibels.

“If this doesn’t get you pumped up, I dunno what f**king will”, said Klopp while playing some air guitar.

With Liverpool aiming to be crowned world champions, the club have hired the same crack team of Soviet trainers who helped Ivan Drago prepare for his 1985 boxing bout against Rocky Balboa.

Klopp produced an i-Pad and showed us a training montage set to 80s music featuring James Milner.

The 33-year-old midfielder was seen being put through his paces by his Soviet handlers and even passed out at one point.

When asked if he was worried the intensive training was putting Milner under too much strain, Klopp replied, “If he dies, he dies”.

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