If you think you’re having a bad time at work at the moment, spare a thought for Unai Emery.
After a summer of heavy investment in the squad, the Spaniard looked well placed to have the Gunners firing this season. But fast forward just three months and things have gone south quicker than you can say “good ebening”.
Genuinely, the manner in which his Arsenal tenure has freefallen into an unadulterated disaster zone makes the Titanic’s maiden crossing of the Atlantic look like an unmitigated success.
Let’s quickly remind ourselves of the facts. The Gunners are sitting 8th in the Premier League table with just four wins from 13 games, are the only side in the top 10 with a negative goal difference, and are consistently out-shot by every team they face. Even more embarrassingly, they’ve won just six of their last 20 league games across this and the previous campaign.
Despite these damning statistics and deafening demands from supporters for Emery to be sacked, the Arsenal board are sticking by their man. Which begs the question: just what would he have to do to get the boot?
1. Ban Robert Pires from the training ground
Just to bring you up to speed, Arsenal’s legendary former winger – who is now 46 years old – still turns up and trains with the first team each and every day. Yes, it’s something straight out of David Brent’s playbook when he’s made redundant (“Who wants a meeting?”), but being an Invincible gives Pires licence to do whatever he wants.
Should Emery banish the Frenchman from London Colney, he may as well start packing up his desk while he’s at it. There are some things you just can’t get away with, and pissing off a beloved club legend is one of them.
2. Hold a secret confidence ballot
Unable to decide upon a club captain at the start of the season, Emery eventually relied upon a secret ballot among the squad to vote for who they’d like to see take the armband. They picked Granit Xhaka, and we all know how that turned out.
He’s clearly a fan of the democratic process, so it’d be logical for him to put his future at the club to a vote as well. Inevitably it would be 99% against him (his best mate Granit still gets a vote, you know), which would surely convince the board to pull the trigger.
3. Buy some paper
Such are the cost-cutting measures currently being undertaken by the club’s regime, there is every chance they’ve simply run out of paper at Highbury House – and are therefore unable to print out Unai’s letter of dismissal.
When the time comes that Emery wants to put himself out of his misery (and cash in that £8m compensation cheque), he will just need to pop down to Ryman and pick up a pack of A4. Simples.
4. Start wearing Tottenham kit on the sidelines
The only positive Gooners have been clinging on to this season is the fact they’ve got the best set of kits and training wear in the Premier League. Every cloud, eh?
So should Emery “mistakenly” whack on Spurs gear whilst on duty (an error that would be entirely believable given he’s also consistently picking the wrong team, tactics, formations and substitutions every single week), sponsors Adidas would inevitably step in and demand his sacking. It’s probably even in the smallprint of the kit deal.
5. Saying he would vote Conservative
Look, we’re not going all Rik from The Young Ones on you here. But if Jeremy Corbyn wins the general election, you can bet your overpriced season ticket on him nationalising his beloved Arsenal so he can have a say in matters.
And when that takeover goes through, he’ll be able to carry out some sweet revenge on the Tory-supporting Emery by handing him his P45. On the other hand, we suppose there is a chance Corbyn will just stay neutral on the issue and refuse to say whether Emery should Remain or Leave, instead allowing fans inside the Emirates to have the final say with a show of hands…
6. Appear on ArsenalFanTV
To be perfectly honest, just appearing on ArsenalFanTV should be a sackable offence for anyone, regardless of who they are or what they do.
But if Emery made a surprise appearance on the channel to say that club owner Stan Kroenke looks like a heated up zombie with a weird giant eyebrow for a moustache, you can be sure it’d all come to an end very quickly indeed.
7. Tell the fans to “f*ck off”
With the “Emery out” chants getting ever louder, it surely won’t be long until the Spaniard’s frustrations boil over. Before you know it, he’ll be storming onto the Emirates pitch, cupping his ear and telling fans to “f*ck off”.
That sort of behaviour got Granit Xhaka the sack, after all. You can be sure it’d be the same result for Unai too.Nuno Espirito Santo is 3/1 favourite to be the next permanent Arsenal manager