Rival fans have many chants about north London’s Lilywhites in the locker, but one that stands out in particular goes as follows: “You’ll always be sh*t, you’ll always be sh*t, Tottenham Hotspur, you’ll always be sh*t”.
We trust you to work out the tune that it goes to.
However, given recent events over at the capital’s premier NFL stadium, may we suggest a slightly more PG-rated version that still cuts through to the same point:
“Tottenham Hotspur, you’ll always be Spurs.”
The verb to “Spurs” (noun: “Spursy”) has long been a byword for Tottenham’s remarkable habit of bottling football matches and conspiring to embarrass themselves against all the odds.
And their current crop are currently proving beyond all doubt this is the Spursiest incarnation in history. Here’s why…
LONDON, ENGLAND – OCTOBER 01: Robert Lewandowski of Bayern Munich is marked by Jan Vertonghen of Tottenham Hotspur during the UEFA Champions League group B match between Tottenham Hotspur and Bayern Muenchen at Tottenham Hotspur Stadium on October 01, 2019 in London, United Kingdom. (Photo by Catherine Ivill/Getty Images)
1 – A record-breaking home defeat
Tottenham’s incredible 7-2 capitulation to Bayern Munich in midweek was the first time in their 137-year history that they have ever conceded seven goals at home in any competition.
And in an amusing act of symmetry, it also made them the first English side to concede seven goals in a European game since they themselves lost 8-0 to Cologne in the 1995 Intertoto Cup.
Remember, this is the same team that fluked their way to a Champions League final just a few months ago.
Spursy rating: 10/10
2 – Gnabry showing Kane how it’s done
Despite moving into a new American football stadium back in April, goal-stealer extraordinaire Harry Kane has only hit the back of the net there four times.
It took Serge Gnabry just 35 minutes to score the same number of goals during Bayern’s Champions League rout. The same Serge Gnabry who came through Arsenal’s youth ranks, no less.
Spursy rating: 8/10
3 – They’ve achieved nothing with their “special” squad
A revolution of sorts has unfolded at the club in recent years, as they went from Europa League to Champions League and not winning anything to still not winning anything (but playing a bit better in doing so).
Pundits claimed they had assembled one of the most dynamic, exciting teams in Europe, with players like Christian Eriksen, Dele Alli, Heung-min Son and, er, Vincent Janssen breathing new life into the team’s fortunes.
But the sum total of success during this team’s life cycle? Well, who can forget finishing third in a two-horse title race in 2015/16? What an achievement that was. And the time they put a bit of pressure on Chelsea in the 2017 title race was certainly something that’ll live long in the memory.
Oh, and let’s not forget the time they lost an FA Cup semi-final at their Wembley home in 2018. Magic.
Spursy rating: 10/10
4 – Their manager has never won any silverware
As Spurs went from strength to strength, so too did supporters’ admiration for manager Mauricio Pochettino. He is supposed to be the man destined to finally bring tangible major success back to the club after a generation or two.
Hilariously, however, the sum total Pochettino has to show for his 507-game management career to date is four Manager of the Month awards. That is all.
Spursy rating: 9/10
LONDON, ENGLAND – OCTOBER 01: Kingsley Coman of FC Bayern Munich battles for possession with Danny Rose of Tottenham Hotspur during the UEFA Champions League group B match between Tottenham Hotspur and Bayern Muenchen at Tottenham Hotspur Stadium on October 01, 2019 in London, United Kingdom. (Photo by Dan Istitene/Getty Images)
5 – Their current form
Despite supposedly being in the title race, Tottenham haven’t won away from home in the league for nine games – a run that stretches all the way back to 20 January 2019, when they edged past Premier League whipping boys Fulham.
This season has started very poorly too, with Spurs winning just three of their seven league games thus far. At least the top-four race will kinda feel like a title race? Won’t it?!
Spursy rating: 9/10
Colchester United beat Premier League side Tottenham Hotspur 4-3 on penalties after their #LeagueCup match finished goalless.
Fans stream onto the pitch in celebration at the Community Stadium. pic.twitter.com/L6P8lGb1HF
— BBC Essex (@BBCEssex) September 24, 2019
6 – They lost to a League Two team in the cup
Tottenham’s last proper trophy came in the League Cup in 2008, so at least it’s silverware they’re remotely familiar with lifting. Indeed, it’s probably the most likely thing they could’ve won this season to finally get the trophyless monkey off their back.
So how Spursy it was when they ended up getting knocked out on penalties in the third round to League Two Colchester United last month. Whoops.
Spursy rating: 10/10
One Step from glory, sounds like a good summary of @SpursOfficial 🤣 pic.twitter.com/LjxDe4dU6x
— Tal Ofer טל עופר تل عوفر 🟣 (@TalOfer) September 21, 2019
7. They released a book about not winning a trophy
It undeniably speaks volumes about the Spursy traits of the club when fans are happy to release a 224-page book about the time they didn’t win a trophy. That tome will sit nicely alongside the DVD of their 2008 League Cup semi-final victory on supporters’ shelves.
Spursy rating: 10/10
LONDON – FEBRUARY 24: Dimitar Berbatov of Tottenham Hotspur (R) celebrates with Robbie Keane as he scores their first goal from the penalty spot during the Carling Cup Final between Tottenham Hotspur and Chelsea at Wembley Stadium on February 24, 2008 in London, England. (Photo by Mike Hewitt/Getty Images)
8 – They’ve won nothing for over 11 years
Let’s not forget, one of the keystones of Spursing it up revolves around a constant failure to win any silverware – and throwing away good chances to do so. Over the course of several seasons, this Spurs side have consistently proven they cannot win anything.
Actually, in fairness, they did lift the 2019 Audi Cup in pre-season. No doubt that’ll be going straight onto the club’s honours board, along with their Costa Del Sol Tournament triumphs in 1965/66 and their magical Ipswich Hospital Charity Cup campaign in 1952. And no, we’re not making this up.
Now that is Spursy.