REVEALED: Details of Mike Ashley’s Newcastle masterplan finally emerge

He really is a genius.


Following Sunday’s 5-0 drubbing by Leicester City, Newcastle United owner Mike Ashley has finally revealed his long term objective for The Magpies.

The 55-year-old CEO of Sports Direct hopes to have the club plying its trade in League Two by 2025 according to a document entitled ‘The Mag-sterplan’ and the St James’ Park outfit, currently 19th in the table, have made the perfect start in their quest to be relegated this season.

Ashley believes the club should’ve been playing in League One by now but suffered a serious setback when they were promoted from the Championship back in 2017. ‘I thought we were on course for League One but unfortunately we managed to the win the Championship and got ourselves promoted’, explained Ashley.


However, that 5-0 defeat at the hands of the Foxes showed that Newcastle have as much chance of staying up as an erection in Richard Keys’ bedroom. The Magpies’ second half capitulation was just the type of performance Ashley was looking for as he continues to mastermind the club’s demise.

In manager Steve Bruce, Ashley believes he has the right man to steer the club all the way down to the fourth tier of English football. ‘We did our research on Steve and found that he’s only ever signed four players for over £10M’, said Ashley.

‘Those are the types of statistics I felt made Steve the ideal candidate for the Newcastle manager’s job’, he added.

But if the 58-year-old boss is unable to guide his side to relegation this season, Ashley has lined up former player and world’s shittest manager, John Barnes, to replace him.

‘If Steve can’t get us relegated then John will definitely get the job done’, said Ashley. The House of Fraser owner also confirmed he will take over goalkeeping duties until the end of the season to help speed up the relegation process.

And with the Geordie club languishing in 19th position in the table, striker Andy Carroll has confirmed he’s ready to get injured just when his goal-shy team need him the most. ‘I feel like something could snap at any given moment in time’, beamed the ponytailed striker.

‘My lengthy spells on the treatment table have been punctuated by the odd game of football down the years and I’m working closely with the medical team here to ensure I get injured as quickly as possible’, he added.

Newcastle are 10/11 to be relegated from the Premier League in 2019-20