Arsenal sign Len Kachinsky to complete world’s worst defence

He’ll be given the No.6 shirt and will go straight into Thursday’s Europa League squad


Arsenal have signed Wisconsin attorney Len Kachinsky to ‘complete the world’s worst defence’, according to reports.

He’ll be given the No.6 shirt and go straight into the squad for Thursday night’s Europa League group game against Eintracht Frankfurt.

Kachinsky gained notoriety after featuring in the Netflix documentary Making a Murderer. He served as an attorney for Brendan Dassey before he was removed from the case for being a smug useless c**t.

He’s been a free agent since being suspended last summer for three years after harassing a female court clerk by sitting on her desk and making cat noises. Yes, really.

Arsenal paraded their new signing on the Emirates pitch before introducing him to the world’s media.

‘We’re delighted to announce the signing of Len Kachinsky who’ll become an integral part of the world’s worst defence alongside David Luiz’, beamed Head Coach Unai Emery.

When quizzed about the 65-year-old signing’s lack of any football experience whatsoever, Emery replied: ‘I bet he’s still better than Shkodran Mustafi’.

Kachinsky told assembled journos how much he was looking forward to linking up with new teammates after watching their 2-2 with Watford.

‘I haven’t seen a defence fall apart so badly since I let Brendan Dassey be interrogated without his lawyer present. David Luiz, what a guy! He looks like Sideshow Bob from The Simpsons – and plays like him too’.

However, it would appear that Unai Emery isn’t finished in his quest to assemble the worst defence in the history of the game.

It’s understood the Spaniard is keen to weaken his defence with some additional signings during the January transfer window. The 47-year-old former PSG coach is trying to coax Premier League legend Titus Bramble out of semi-retirement to join The Gunners.

Bramble played for thirteen consecutive seasons in the Premier League, a feat which was once the subject of a one-off special of Des Lynam’s How Do They Do That? show.

It’s rumoured that Emery has also made approaches for former Southampton man Ulrich van Gobbel, Spurs legend Ramon Vega, as well as former Gunner and the star of Manchester United’s 6-1 drubbing of Arsenal, Igor Stepanovs.

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