Big Sam’s 5 easy steps to Strictly Come Dancing glory

He’s used to doing a two-step out of trouble.


Ever since that video emerged of Big Sam on holiday in Marbella dancing to Rihanna like a pissed uncle at a wedding, we’ve all been praying to the tele-Gods he’d end up on Strictly.

Well, it looks as though our prayers are finally answered after the big man was accidentally revealed on Good Morning Britain as one of the new contestants on this year’s show.

It remains to be seen whether or not it’s true. However, let’s take a look at the five steps Big Sam must conquer if he’s gonna bring home the glitterball…

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Dutch Courage

If the big man’s gonna quickstep his way to Strictly glory, then he’ll need to settle those pre-show nerves. Sam’s favourite tipple is a pint of wine.

So sinking 568mls of pinot grigio before the cameras roll should provide just enough Dutch Courage to see former Bolton boss through those early rounds.

Looking fab, darling

If the Marbella video is anything to go by, Big Sam’s moves are so bad he makes Ann Widdecombe look like Ginger Rogers on the dancefloor. And let’s face it, the last time Big Sam stood before a panel of judges he was being relieved of his duties as England manager.

If the 64-year-old stands any chance of wowing Craig Revel Horwood he needs to at least look the part.

We can’t have a repeat of the infamous Sky Sports pre-match pose that made him look like he was ordering a cod supper from the chipper. He needs to cut down on the fry-ups, get himself a chest wax and a spray tan for starters!

Fail to prepare

Big Sam was renowned throughout his managerial career for his meticulous preparation before games.

If the big man has any cha-chance of victory in the competition, then he’ll need to adopt this same mentality.

As it stands, Allardyce probably thinks the Samba is a centre half he signed from Hertha Berlin. He needs to get his sports science team around him and start swatting up on those Charlestons and Rumbas!

Mind games

During the most successful spell of his managerial career at Bolton Wanderers, Allardyce enjoyed getting under the skin of rival bosses at the so-called bigger clubs.

Arsene Wenger, Rafa Benitez and Jose Mourinho all fell victim to Big Sam’s mind games. If Sam’s gonna waltz back to Dudley with the glitterball then he’ll need to adopt some similar tactics.

One way the big man could get in his opponent’s heads is by laughing in their faces if they fall during their performances. It certainly riled the shite clean out of Chico Flores when Sam was at West Ham.

Don’t have an affair

We’ve all heard of the ‘Strictly Curse’. With dances such as the steamy tango or sensual samba, it’s inevitable that a total babe-magnet like Big Sam will have his pick of the ladies on the show.

However, if Sam wants to bring home the proverbial bacon then he should keep his sausage strapped to his leg at all times.

He’ll need the public on his side and nobody likes a love rat. Just ask the pube-headed Seann Walsh?

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