Dom Gall: Why Berwick Rangers are Scottish football’s worst team ever

There’s bad, and there’s these lads!


Of all the laughs taking place in Scottish football in recent months, there’s been one story brewing which is simultaneously a tragic tale yet absolutely hilarious. This is the story of Berwick Rangers, who have now gone eleven-and-a-half games without scoring a single goal.

Relegated from the SPFL after more than 60 years, the club have lost their title as the only English team to play in the Scottish leagues. This was a title that made the small club controversial, but also unique.

I’ve spent a long time wondering what unique title I could give the club which would allow them to remain unique to Scottish football, and I think – after their back-to-back 7-0 and 6-0 cup defeats to kick start 19/20– I’ve found it:

This Berwick Rangers side are the worst team to play in Scottish football. Ever.

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Now, it wouldn’t be fair for me to make such a drastic claim without backing it up with cold, hard facts, so I’ve dusted down my old calculator, activated whatever brain cells I have left and crunched the numbers.

Berwick Rangers have not scored a goal since the 19th of March. That was 125 days ago.

In that time, the Women’s World Cup has kicked off, played 52 games, scored 146 goals and finished again. We’ve also had a full Wimbledon, Lewis Capaldi has transformed into Scotland’s hero, a US President walked into North Korea and a shit load else has happened too.

Since their last goal, Berwick have gone 1090 minutes without hitting the net (1050 if you exclude added time, but it’s a laugh to add it on really so I’m leaving it there). That’s enough time for Mo Farah to run the entire length of Scotland. It’s not that bloody hard to score surely? I average four an hour at fives.

Arguably my favourite of the stats is since Cameron Blues scored v Peterhead, Berwick have conceded 42 times. That’s a goal every 25 minutes and equates to twice as many goals conceded as they’ve had shots on target in that time. If that doesn’t scream shite, then I don’t know what does.

With a defence leakier than Titanic, people are struggling to keep up.

Further patter stats include having more Managers (3), Chairmen (2) and sacked Media Managers (1) than goals in the last four months. Let’s not forget that the win against Peterhead that marks the start of this run was their first for four months too. They’re currently on a run of one win in 28 games.

So, what’s the public opinion on the Wee ‘Gers after such a historic(ally shite) run of form? Well, most are clearly thinking of what would be kindest for both the club and supporters.

Do the kindest thing, Berwick. Pull the plug. You’ll go to a better place. 138 was a good age for any club.

There are many reasons why Berwick could have ended up in such a bad way, but I think – in my completely unbiased opinion – James might have hit the nail on the head with his opinion:

We will all watch with interest as the ‘Gers face Falkirk, who themselves have been brutal, on Tuesday night with hope of a goal FINALLY arriving. Don’t hold your breath though, please.

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What do you think?