Investigation launched after Romelu Lukaku caught onside

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Manchester United have launched an internal investigation after their Belgian striker Romelu Lukaku strayed onside during a practice match in training. The incident reportedly occurred during an 11 v 11 game at United’s Carrington training complex this morning.

The training session was subsequently abandoned after several players and members of staff, including first-team coach Mike Phelan, were treated for shock by the club’s medical staff.

‘This morning, Manchester United have launched an investigation into a training ground incident’, an official club statement read.

SCUNTHORPE, ENGLAND – JULY 23: Hull City interim manager Mike Phelan gestures during the pre-season friendly between Scunthorpe United and Hull City at Glanford Park on July 23, 2016 in Scunthorpe, England. (Photo by Daniel Smith/Getty Images)

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‘It is alleged that first team player Romelu Lukaku found himself in an onside position when the ball was played towards him’.

‘While it’s too early to speculate regards the veracity of these claims, I think we can all agree it’s fucking hard to believe’.

‘We would ask for your patience while we conduct a swift and thorough inquest into this morning’s minor miracle’.

Sources claim the 25-year-old was stood as much as half a yard onside when teammate Juan Mata slipped a ball into the hulking forward’s path.

Observers said the former Everton hitman was already jogging dejectedly in the opposite direction before realising Michael Carrick’s flag had not been raised.

BARCELONA, SPAIN – APRIL 15: Romelu Lukaku of Manchester United warms up during a training session ahead of their second leg in the UEFA Champions League Quarter Final match against FC Barcelona at Camp Nou on April 15, 2019 in Barcelona, Spain. (Photo by Michael Regan/Getty Images)

The confused United No.9 then turned to his equally bemused teammates to ask what he should do next.

‘I’d never been in that position before’, confessed Lukaku.

‘Normally, when the ball is played towards me, the ref’s whistle or the collective groan of the fans will indicate that I’m a mile offside’.

‘Yet on this occasion, I was onside and through on goal’.

Stunned staff and teammates alike watched on in disbelief as the former Anderlecht striker tentatively stumbled towards the penalty area.

As the towering forward approached the goal, he unleashed a tame shot straight at David De Gea which the Spaniard allowed to trickle underneath his body into the net.

BARCELONA, SPAIN – APRIL 16: David De Gea of Manchester United warms up during the UEFA Champions League Quarter Final second leg match between FC Barcelona and Manchester United at Camp Nou on April 16, 2019 in Barcelona, Spain. (Photo by Matthias Hangst/Getty Images)

Eyewitnesses claim when the Belgian turned to celebrate with his bewildered teammates, assistant manager Mike Phelan collapsed to the ground in a state of shock.

The 56-year-old coach reluctantly posed for selfies with Paul Pogba while sprawled out on the grass and receiving treatment from United’s medical staff.

Our sources claim the incident was so shocking, that at one point, Jesse Lingard almost stopped ‘dabbing’.

When asked by Paddy Power News if he’d adopted a new strategy for remaining onside, a dumbfounded Lukaku responded:

‘I haven’t a f**king clue how it happened, to be honest. The gaffer thinks it was Luke Shaw’s arse playing me on.’

If the allegations prove to be true, it’s alleged that Executive Vice-Chairman Ed Woodward is preparing to offer the striker and new 8-year deal worth 800,000 per week.

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