5 things Sven needs to be ready for if he gets the Scotland job

The former England manager has been linked with the vacant post north of the border and Dom Gall has kindly provided some advice for him.

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Over the last few days, the name Sven-Goran Eriksson has been spreading like wildfire throughout the world of Scottish football.

This only got worse as news broke yesterday that he has reportedly contacted the Scottish FA to officially declare his interest in replacing Alex McLeish.

Now, while McLeish might not be a hard act to follow, there are several things Sven will need to consider before upping sticks and moving to Hampden Park: 

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1. The drink

We certainly have our priorities in order here in Scotland, so we’ll start with the big one. While Sven may have developed a taste for fine wine during his early management years in Europe, we’ve none of that here.

The obvious suggestion is just to send someone down the shops for a four pack of Tennent’s pint cans, but if the man wants wine we can certainly deliver. Sven, your drinks menu sir:

  • Buckfast
  • MD 2020 (Orange)
  • MD 2020 (Strawberry)
  • MD 2020 (Raspberry)

My professional recommendation, which I picked up from a stay in our fine city of Stirling, would be Raspberry MD2020 (commonly referred to as ‘dug’, first language tip for you) mixed with Orange Fanta. You’re welcome.

2. The Weather

Sven has been in the management game for over 40 years and held the reigns at clubs and national teams in countries such as Portugal, Italy, Mexico, Ivory Coast and most recently the Philippines.

He’s probably used to enjoying a bit of sunshine. Sorry Sven, grab your brolly. At least the rain provides a visual representation of the Tartan Army’s current mood.

It’s also likely that, as a 71-year-old, Sven isn’t in prime physical condition. He will, however, have to work on his obesity levels – which is not difficult in a country that serves battered anything – so when the sun does make an appearance he can get his gut out and join in with the ‘taps aff’ culture common amongst fat old men.

3. The language

As I touched on above, Sven is well travelled during his career, so I’m sure he’s well used to learning the lingo in new environments. Sadly, Duolingo doesn’t teach Scottish, so my recommendation is personal tutoring sessions with Kilmarnock’s own Gordon Sawers. It’s always good to pick up the keywords from a relevant topic, so best to learn from a great footballing man.

4. The (lack of) talent

Sven’s 2002 World Cup squad included names such as Steven Gerrard, David Beckham, Paul Scholes, Robbie Fowler and Michael Owen. By the time 2006 came around, he had the joy of adding John Terry, Frank Lampard and Wayne Rooney to his squad list.

Hahahahahaha, sorry. In Scotland, we have Liverpool’s Andy Robertson – who made the PFA Team of the Year this week – and, erm, that’s about it. Maybe I’m being too harsh, is Oli McBurnie REALLY that far behind a prime Michael Owen?

5. The Abuse

Given our love of swearing and lack of talent, it’s fairly obvious that any new manager is going to be on the receiving end of some harsh words. Not all of it is as friendly as merely suggesting your opposite number takes his face for a sh**e either.

Having said that, nothing is more entertaining than an angry Glaswegian at the football.

I suppose the only positive is after a few hours of translations from Mr Sawers, Sven will have probably heard just about all of it.

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