Cellino, Tan and… Mr Burns?! It’s the new FAI board

Impressed by how much of a shambles Brexit's been over the Irish Sea, Ireland's football chiefs have got themselves in a massive mess of their own.

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Minister for Sport Shane Ross revealed the names of the FAI’s new board members this morning.

The new board will include: former Leeds United owner Massimo Cellino; ex-Blackpool chairman Karl Oyston and his father Owen; Cardiff City supremo Vincent Tan; Ken Anderson who previously ran Bolton Wanderers; Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary; DUP MP Ian Paisley Jr and Mr Burns from The Simpsons.

Taoiseach Leo Varadkar said the Government hopes the new board will go a long way to restoring the taxpayer’s faith in how the FAI is run.

PARMA, ITALY – DECEMBER 21: President Massimo Cellino of Cagliari Calcio during the Serie A match between Cagliari Calcio and FC Juventus at Stadio Ennio Tardini on December 21, 2012 in Parma, Italy. (Photo by Claudio Villa/Getty Images)

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Yesterday it was revealed that Companies Registration Office had received a report from auditors Deloitte Touche saying that last year’s FAI’s accounts were written on empty fag packets and beer mats.

In the wake of these revelations, all existing FAI board members immediately tendered their resignations before fleeing to Argentina in U-boats.

This resulted in the appointment of a completely new board this morning which Shane Ross proudly introduced to the media one by one.

First up was Malaysian billionaire Vincent Tan. The 67-year-old investor told the media he accepted the FAI’s offer on the condition they changed the colour of their shirts from green to purple and incorporated a big dragon into their badge.

Minister Ross defended the FAI’s decision to ditch their traditional green strip when he told journalists: ‘Now, now fellows, Who hasn’t lain awake at night and idly wondered what Robbie Brady would look like in lilac?’

CARDIFF, WALES – AUGUST 12: Cardiff City owner Vincent Tan (c) takes his seat before the UEFA Super Cup match between Real Madrid and Sevilla FC at Cardiff City Stadium on August 12, 2014 in Cardiff, Wales. (Photo by Stu Forster/Getty Images)

Next to face the media former Leeds United owner Massimo Cellino who claims he only accepted a position on the board on the proviso that the current management team would be replaced by Gianluca Festa, Benito Carbone and Gino D’Acampo.

‘I’m here to clean up the FAI’s sh*t’, proclaimed Cellino while flicking fag ash on the carpet.

The Italian also confirmed that the team would no longer play fixtures on the 17th day of any month as that number is considered unlucky in Italian culture.

Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary was the next new board member to address the assembled media as he outlaid his business ideas to generate some much-needed revenue for the FAI.

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2018 Leopardstown Christmas Festival, Leopardstown Racecourse, Dublin 28/12/2018
Michael O’Leary in the parade ring
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The brash exec revealed an extensive list of additional charges fans would be hit with on match days.

‘For fans wanting to sing inside the stadium, there’ll be an additional charge of ten euros per song. Calling the referee ‘a w*nker’ will cost five euros. And fans hoping to leave the stadium at full-time must pay an additional 20 euros before the turnstile will open’, explained O’Leary.

However, Ross’s biggest coup was undoubtedly his ability to persuade the billionaire owner of Springfield’s Nuclear Powerplant, Charles Montgomery Burns to join his board ‘dream team’.

Lavishing praise on the appointment, Ross said: ‘Given Monty’s unquenchable desire to increase his own wealth and power, we couldn’t think of a more fitting candidate to join the FAI board’.

‘I’m looking forward to working in Irish soccer for a very long time’, grinned the 104-year-old tycoon.

After dismissing several questions about his past business dealings, Mr Burns concluded the press conference by instructing his assistant Waylon Smithers to release the hounds.

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