Dom Gall: Keith from Keith scores five for Keith

Never change Scottish football - never change...

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Well, if I’m being honest, I didn’t think I’d have much to talk about after the Scotland game on Thursday. Perhaps a comment on not getting too carried away from winning 1-0 away to a country only known for Borat’s mankini and Gennady Golovkin and move on. Of course, it was silly of me to doubt Scotland’s ability to always provide a laugh, and so here I am with a goldmine of content.

In the build up to the game the press was filled with the news that Scotland were sticking to the UK time zone to avoid jetlag. I’m not even going to bother making a joke about them forgetting to turn up on time as that’s too easy. If you’ve not seen it, I recommend watching the interview with Scotland’s Head of High Performance. Not sure what he’s been taking before the recording but it looks like they filmed the bloke on a Saturday night at Creamfields.

As a Berwick fan my expectations are about as low as they can possibly be, and embarrassing performances are the norm, but 3-0? Honestly? Our dreams of qualifying were shorter than Oli McBurnie’s shorts.

According to one report Alex McLeish said we started the game brightly. If being 2-0 down in 10 minutes is starting brightly, I’d hate to see his idea of a slow start. Maybe he’s been on the same stuff as the Head of High Performance or maybe we just need to do the kindest thing and send him to a retirement home. Thankfully a 2-0 away to San Marino on Sunday spared further ranting, although that could be a blog of its own.

Sticking with the Scotland theme, Queen’s Park player Kurtis Roberts hit the headlines after claiming Celtic’s Oliver Burke was “one of the worst footballers I’ve seen”. That’s a big call from a man whose team pumped Berwick 7 (seven) – 1 in January (sorry for having another dig at you, Berwick, but this one you brought on yourself). Surely that moves Burke to at least the 12th worst player he’s ever seen. In fairness to Roberts though, he scored more at Hampden that afternoon than Burke ever has and they were both screamers. Maybe it’s time to call him up, Alex?

Despite the lack of Premiership games, Aberdeen’s Shay Logan arguably produced the biggest laugh of the last week after being absolutely done by his mates on his stag do. Not content with giving him a dress and a wig, the lads decided it was funniest to make him dress up as Celtic’s Scott Brown. Fair play to them for that stroke of genius, and well done to Logan for not just calling off the wedding instead. That’s what I would’ve done.

As promised, a quick look at the non-leagues and we find a man called Keith – who I presume is from Keith – scored five for Keith as Keith pumped Fort William 11-0.

Never change Scottish football, never change.

Further south it appears my home town team, Eyemouth United, have somehow managed to make it to April with a current points total of -3. They’ve lost all 20 games and somehow managed to field an ineligible player in one of those defeats. Looking at their goals conceded you wouldn’t think they had fielded any players.

We finish off with another go at my Scottish treble. Thanks to Clyde for sticking to the script last weekend, unlike Peterhead and Arbroath who both decided their lead at the top was comfortable enough to purposefully drop points just to mug me off.

Anyway, here goes with his week’s 4/1 treble if they all win.

Stirling Albion @ 10/11 Queen’s Park v Stirling
Kilmarnock @ 4/7  – Kilmarnock v Hamilton
Dundee Utd @ 8/11Dundee Utd v Queen of the South

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