Five potential positive footballing outcomes of a no-deal Brexit

Ah, Brexit.

The impending doomsday event that has divided the UK, pitting one side of the nation against the other.

Debate has raged for years now between Remainers, who believe Brexit is a truly apocalyptic prospect, and Leavers, who believe it’s a truly apocalyptic prospect but can’t bring themselves to admit they were horribly misled and anyway there’ll be fewer foreigners about so it’ll be worth all the martial law and food-shortages.

Still, we reckon Brexit won’t all be bad. English football, for example, may even stand to gain from it, and particularly one of the no-deal variety.

In fact, some clubs and players will welcome the latter eventuality with open arms. Here’s why.

Fewer foreigns skulking around the place

It’s been hard to forgive foreign players for what they’ve done to the Premier League.

They’ve transformed a hopeless league full of hard-running, tough-tackling no-hope hoofballers into one of the slickest and most popular competitions on the planet.

Previously, footballers in England could get away with having no interest in technique so long as they shouted a lot and kicked people more talented than themselves. Foreigners changed all that with alien concepts such as passing, tactics and finely tuned first touches.

Now, decent hard-working Brits like Lee Cattermole can’t get a look in at the big clubs. Some, such as Jadon Sancho, are even being forced to seek employment overseas – a policy which, to be fair, is about to come to an abrupt end.

With a diminished foreign presence in the division, the “traditional” British footballer will be allowed to prosper once again.

Total irrelevance of EU employment law

When the UK finally gets its hard-fought independence from under the yoke of an oppressive empire, it will no longer – in theory – be subject to EU law.

Which is great news for employers wishing to exploit their employees. And music to the ears, no doubt, of football clubs, who have been for too long forced to pay players through the nose merely because they are demanding a wage that reflects their market value.

Having been freed from this responsibility, we expect clubs to start paying their staff and players in Gregg’s vouchers, boxes of salt and other valuable commodities. Jamie Vardy, for instance, will no longer receive cash, but rather crates of Tesco-brand WKD imitations and stockpiled packets of Wrigley’s Spearmint gum.

WTO rules on trade equals ker-ching ker-ching

You know what’s been holding back your club from its rightful place as The Best Team In The World?

EU trade rules. That’s what.

With the UK freed from these restrictive diktats, clubs will be at liberty to merchandise and trade to their heart’s content with the world’s most exploitative regimes and organisations.

No more hand-wringing about the ethics of dealing with Qatari petro-billionaires or Burmese manufacturing tycoons. No, sir.

Burnley will finally be able to go out and get the sponsorship deal that they’ve always dreamed of with the regional Chinese noodle partner. Grimsby can, at long last, take its rightful place as the team-of-choice among the Amazon’s robber-barons by endorsing paper-mills in Minas Gerais.

Medicine shortages will mean fewer players on the injury list

Let’s be honest: there’s little more frustrating for football fans than seeing their team’s players ruled out by injury.

But if there are no doctors to diagnose them and no medicines with which to treat them – well, that’ll mean players are forced to simply get on it with it and keep playing.

So no more two-week absences for “back aches” and no more investigations into the long-term effects of concussion. The “magic sponge” will return to prominence, and generally players will just stop taking any care of their bodies whatsoever.

This toughening-up will be great for their “character”, while also bringing back to the football environment the all-important Gammon Pound.

Lower food standards mean British matchday treats will thrive

For non-British people, British food is an absolute mess – but who cares what everyone else thinks?

If the UK’s fair citizens want to shove greasy, eggy pastries or emulsified offal-tubes produced in unsanitary environments down their throats at every available opportunity, who are the EU to stop them?

After Independence Day, food-producers will no longer have to worry about things like hygiene, meaning traditional British cuisine will return to prominence at matchdays. Currently, some Premier League clubs insist on flogging foreign muck like pizza at matches – well, from March it’ll be back to a simple choice between a Yorkshire pudding and a Cornish pasty at half-time.

Scurvy and chronic indigestion are necessary evils to ensure the people get the truly sovereign food they voted for in 2016.