It’s now been three weeks since Manchester United, the club famed for not sacking managers, sacked their third manager in less than five years.
In fairness, Jose Mourinho being handed his P45 was long overdue – there’s only so much of that dreary style of football and relentless fallings out with star players a club can take.
When the axe finally fell on the embattled Portuguese, we imagine he didn’t burst into tears whilst skulking down to the Lowry’s reception to settle his two-and-a-half-year room bill.
Oh no! He would have lit up at the prospect of yet another cash windfall heading his way.
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It has been revealed this week that Mourinho’s £15m compensation package – a hefty sum that could have been spent on far better things – was paid up front by the Red Devils in December.
Which means that not only would he have had a Christmas to remember, he’s also now free to immediately get back to work.
However, poor old Jose’s not been having much luck at this whole football management malarkey of late.
So, we’ve racked our brains and come up with some alternative career moves he could make, as soon as he’s done with sitting in all day watching Homes Under The Hammer…
1. Become a coach driving instructor
From being a trailblazing pioneer of the art through to seasoned veteran with 15 years’ experience under his (seat)belt, nobody knows how to park the bus better than Jose Mourinho.
It’s a unique skill set that makes him the perfect candidate to become a fully-fledged coach driving instructor. Just think of all the inside knowledge and experience he can pass on to those eager to learn how perfectly place the bus so that nobody can actually get past it, much to the grievance of every single bystander.
Indeed, somewhere in an alternate universe, another version of Mourinho is perfectly backing a coach into Victoria Station as you read these very words.
2. Go back to being a translator
Mourinho has spoken on more than one occasion about how the stresses and pressure of football management have taken their toll on him.
Maybe it’s time he just got out of the managerial rat race and went back to his roots in the sport’s elite level.
Jose got his break in football by being a translator for Sir Bobby Robson during his time at Porto and Barcelona. Thus, it would make perfectly logical sense if he were to take a back seat and act as an interpreter for other top British managerial talent when they go abroad.
So, when the time comes for Sol Campbell to take the reins are Real Madrid, or when Tony Pulis finally gets the call from Juventus, Mourinho will be right there ready to help.
Admittedly, he may have to wait a while for those scenarios to unfold…
3. Become a teacher
With the best part of £40m sitting in his bank account from managerial sackings alone, Mourinho has surely earned enough dough from football to last a lifetime. He doesn’t need to put himself through it all over again. Instead, why not give back to society and enter the very noble profession of teaching?
There would be many subjects he would thrive in, but two stand out in particular: history and maths.
After all, Jose likes nothing more than banging on about what he’s achieved in the past.
And just a few months before he got the chop at Old Trafford, he demonstrated his prowess at mathematics by cleverly working out he had won three Premier League titles. That’s one more than the rest of the division’s managers combined, kids!
As an aside, he could also teach those pesky students a few things about “respect” while he’s at it… by speaking over them when they politely try and ask him questions.
4. Take up work in a tea mug factory
Whether you despise the man or simply just can’t stand him, one thing you can’t deny is that Jose Mourinho knows how to successfully deliver cups. So if he’s looking for a change of pace, why not get him on the production line at a place that manufactures them full-time?
Sure, his particular brand of cups would be bland at best, merely functional and lacking any sort of flair whatsoever. But, you know he would get the job done at the end of the day.
If any cup factory owners interested in approaching Jose happen to be reading this article, a word of warning: only give him a two-year contract.
Go beyond that and you just know the cups will suddenly disappear and you’ll be forced to give him a wodge of money just to bugger off.
5. Make a return as a football manager
It might sound completely crazy, but of course he could always just stick with what he knows best and return to football management.
He’d just need to not be a complete and total bastard yet again, and who knows? Maybe this time it’ll turn out okay.
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