Full Tweet W*nkers: Castles, Keys and MacKenna on top form

Twitter, eh? What a wonderful app.


The Full Tweet W*nkers have mostly been behaving themselves lately, or at least during weekends, which has made it hard to come by suitable efforts, but we’re ploughing ahead this week with some classic nonsense from the usual suspects.

First up it’s TV’s ‘Lord’ Alan Sugar with a typically rubbish joke:

Good one, Alan. That was probably funny back in 1972. Actually, no, it probably wasn’t.

Still, you have to admire such defeatism from a man who, these days, mostly uses his Twitter account to flog sweets and shampoo.

Next, we move on to, well, an individual who has become a fixture on FTW, which is something we don’t see changing any time soon. And that’s because he’s completely, totally unhinged when it comes to Jose Mourinho and Manchester United. In times past, it has been hard to see what the future would hold for Duncan Castles, what with Mourinho’s dyspeptic reign at Old Trafford drawing ever-nearer to a close. But now we know:

Duncan’s future lies in City-bashing. Which, to be fair, is quite justifiable in light of the club’s more nefarious activities emerging from Football Leaks. The amazing thing about Castles, though, is that his chosen ’causes’ drip like jam from a donut from every letter of every word he tweets or says. He just cannot let go – he is totally absorbed by all this. The lad’s off his rocker, Clive. Remarkable stuff.

Next, we zip over to Brazil to check in with a journalist who is so totally right about everything all of the time we’re not sure how he hasn’t been installed as President of the Universe. Not yet, anyway.

Oh yes, it’s Ewan MacKenna. In fairness, there’s no questioning MacKenna’s journalistic bona fides. He is excellent at what he does, and will often say things no-one else is brave enough to say.

But a consequence of this innate contrarianism is that it’s been about eight years now since he’s written or tweeted anything positive, or at least anything positive that wasn’t simultaneously a condescending rant about how he can’t quite understand why everyone else isn’t on his moral or intellectual level. Quite simply, this man is a man unwilling to put any limits on his own self-righteousness. But hey, why change a winning formula?

‘Can you imagine’. A staple phrase of the truly above-all-this-shit genius, that. The implication, of course, is that Ewan isn’t bound by the same human vicissitudes and weaknesses that afflict the rest of us mere mortals, especially football supporters. As ever, we cast ourselves at your feet in supplication, Lord MacKenna.

Having said all that, though… er, well, he kind of has a point.

Over now to Qatar-based beINSPORTS presenter Richard Keys, who has been mysteriously quiet on the whole Football Leaks thing. Leaving aside the misspelling of Alisson, you have to admire the self-importance here.

‘I’m not convinced’ – ah, well, we’ve all been sitting here waiting with bated breath for your verdict on the incident, Richard. Maybe the referee in question should be doing more to convince you personally. A handwritten letter, perhaps?


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