Full Tweet W*nkers: Jose’s troops lose ground as United end game nears

It looked as though some peace - at least on the pitch - might break out at United, but that was before they made their trip to Brighton...

Are we really going through the Mourinho cycle again?


The Not-So-Special One didn’t get the centre-half he desperately needed in the last week of the transfer window – if you’ve worn a shirt with number three or four on the back in a competitive game in the last few years you were probably linked with United at some point this summer – but a relatively straightforward win over Leicester at home suggested a delay in the Mourinho third season meltdown might be on the cards.

during the UEFA Champions League Round of 16 Second Leg match between Manchester United and Sevilla FC at Old Trafford on March 13, 2018 in Manchester, United Kingdom.

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Brighton had other ideas, and the simmering conflict between the manager and suits at Old Trafford burst out into full-on skirmishes on twitter as the Seagulls picked at the casualties.

Lieutenant Castles opens the hostilities from the Mourinho camp:

‘Just 50’ Duncan? Now who’s been picking the team for the entirety of both players’ United careers?

Then the cavalry arrives:

Victor Lindelof cost €35m when transferred to United from Benfica, with a possible €10m due if certain targets are met.

We’re guessing they won’t be.

A better question is who thought the pair of them were good enough to sign in the first place?

Though it’s telling that Jose’s press agents are ready to amputate his gangrenous signings in an effort to save the Portuguese’s central mass at Old Trafford.

But wait, now’s no time for reflection, there’s others to be sniped across the no-mans-land of this United-Glazer hellscape:

Mourinho’s stellar man-management is rallying troops to the cause clearly.

See, we can all do leaden sarcasm when we want to, it’s not that clever.

Mourinho wouldn’t be cursed with Martial if United hadn’t been so terrified of him biting them on the arse whenever he finds himself playing under a manager who’s not downright disturbed by the concept of attacking play.

Manchester United’s executive vice-chairman Ed Woodward (R) reacts as he talks with Manchester United’s Portuguese manager Jose Mourinho folowing the pre-season friendly football match between Wigan Athletic and Manchester United at the DW stadium in Wigan, northwest England, on July 16, 2016. / AFP / JON SUPER / RESTRICTED TO EDITORIAL USE. No use with unauthorized audio, video, data, fixture lists, club/league logos or ‘live’ services. Online in-match use limited to 75 images, no video emulation. No use in betting, games or single club/league/player publications. / (Photo credit should read JON SUPER/AFP/Getty Images)

Though at this point we’re not sure there’s any point in trying to pick through this rubbish. What’s clear is the Mourinho death-spiral at United is well under way – Woodward’s refusal to fork out €80m for Harry Maguire signalled a loss of faith in the manager – but Mourinho’s deputies in the press will be in the vanguard of manoeuvres until the death.

There were happier scenes at Wembley, where Harry Kane became the first footballer ever to score goals who didn’t score goals within an almost completely arbitrary period of time that is somehow of significance to someone for reasons that aren’t clear:

The big question now is whether Harry can score as many goals before 2025, when Saturn’s rings rotate back to a flat plane from the perspective of stargazers, as he has scored since 2009 when they were last in such a position?

I mean, that’s what we all care about, right?

Back on planet earth, Liverpool and Palace stagger onto Monday Night Football’s stage this evening, but we’re sure the shimmering sheen of this Selhurst Park spectacle will be obscured by the burgeoning bantastrophe of Gary Neville ducking out on a bet:

If we cannot count on the honour of football men in these troubled times, what can we rely on – well, besides Mourinho being gone by Christmas.

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