Possibly the most dramatic moment during Saturday’s Championship opening day came when a combi boiler mascot cockily strode onto the pitch at West Bromwich Albion.
Although sadly just a sponsorship tie-in and not the club’s new official mascot, the presence of the jolly, bulky piece of central heating equipment jauntily marching around the pitch has blown our minds and given us all a fresh insight as to just what is possible on the staid, unimaginative mascot scene.
As I’m a fan of progress and the evolution of all aspects of football, I’ve had a think about how some of the top teams (and Sunderland) could improve their mascot offerings by deploying a costumed fun figure that is more in keeping with their natural ethos.
If any of them decide to adopt my brilliant ideas, remuneration of a mere five million pounds is all that I require in return…
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LIKE for West Brom Boiler Mascot
RT for terrifying Partick Thistle mascot pic.twitter.com/r3YWuItVQv
— Paddy Power (@paddypower) August 5, 2018
The Premier League champions are currently represented by some weird-looking brand of alien called Moonbeam, which I assume is part of a grand scheme for the club to dominate a lunar super league should it ever come to pass. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail and all that.
With that in mind, my alternative suggestion, a massive laughing barrel with crude oil spilling out of its sides on to the pitch, and equipped with a massive funnel on top that pumps money into the stands when it leans forward, would probably be a backward step. Sorry.
Moonchester and Moonbeam have been out and about in Los Angeles! ⭐ ?
They're certainly living the high life! #cityontour pic.twitter.com/16KylKjW46
— Manchester City (@ManCity) July 26, 2017
The current Burnley mascot is Bertie the Bee – he looks a light-footed sort of character, the kind who would give you a hug rather than sting your face off. In other words, completely and utterly ill-matched with the current Burnley way of thinking.
Say hello instead to Gasper the Alsatian. It’s widely accepted that if Shaun Dyche wasn’t a football manager, he’d be running a flat-roof pub with an attack dog prowling around atop it. Hence Gasper – worth a goal head start in any match, surely.
Bertie Bee getting in on the act! pic.twitter.com/v77Kp6vloq
— Burnley FC (@BurnleyOfficial) July 24, 2018
We’ve all had so much fun with Gunnersaurus over the years, but unless there’s some kind of link between the Emirates Stadium and the prehistoric era, it doesn’t make a great deal of sense.
It’s time for Arsenal to get real enter the 21st century and ditch the dinosaur. The ghost of Arsene Wenger is sure to haunt the club’s endeavours for the next few years, so why not make that the official mascot. Arsene himself doesn’t seem that keen on getting the job, so he’d probably be delighted to stalk the pitch pre-match, dressed in rags and chains and going ‘wooooooo’ at any nearby kids.
I mean, he’s already got the deathly pallor that’s required…
When you go on-line to check your portfolio to find out that your shares have been sold without your permission and Stan Kroenke owns Arsenal football club. pic.twitter.com/qoMZks3XRc
— Paddy Power (@paddypower) August 7, 2018
It’s now a firmly established truth that Mike Ashley is in fact trolling the supporters of Newcastle United, probably because they referred to his management team as the ‘Cockney Mafia’ when he bought the club a decade ago.
Teasing Rafa Benitez with non-existent transfer funds and pretending he’s actively trying to sell the club to a new, more sympathetic owner are all hugely successful parts of his Geordie-baiting campaign. No one would be surprised if it turned out he’d been a secret Sunderland fan all his life.
Similarly, no one would be surprised if he himself became the new Toon Army mascot – or at least a giant foam rubber replica of himself. Knowing how much he enjoys penny-pinching, he could probably get a cheap, worn-out Fat Controller costume from Thomas Land and Drayton Manor and just get rid of its top hat.
After our 93rd minute winner against Charlton at the weekend, there’s only one contender – a phoenix.
Rising gloriously from the flames of defeat, regenerated, renewed and ready to soar up from the bowels of League One to an inevitable Premier League title win in the next few years.
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