Andy Dawson: What’s with the Dad’s Army keeper recruitment?

Whisper it, but something very unusual is happening in the goalkeeping ranks of the Premier League’s upper echelons. Shot-stopper recruitment seems to be focused mainly on the veteran sub-group, with Rob Green heading to Chelsea and Lee Grant newly installed as a Manchester United player following his move from Stoke City’s bench.

What’s it all about?

What are these giant, thrusting clubs trying to achieve with this Dad’s Army goalkeeping recruitment policy? As always, I have my theories. Beautiful, plausible theories…

THE COCOON FACTOR

The penny will drop immediately for any fans of the hit 1985 sci-fi movie who happen to be reading this. Raise your hands, both of you. In it, a group of pensioners find themselves rejuvenated when they come across a swimming pool that is filled with alien life force.

It seems to me that someone linked to the top Premier League clubs has bought the actual pool from the film in an eBay auction and is using it to revive ageing, failing goalkeepers and save money for the clubs. Obvious when you think about it.

MEDICAL EXPERIMENTATION

It’s long been rumoured that the world’s top clubs are planning to launch a range of branded pharmaceuticals and who can blame them? Sean Dyche thoat lozenges anyone? Or super-strong Neymar painkillers to help ease the agony of all those hideous hacking fouls by sluggish, thuggish defenders.

But you need human guinea pigs to test new drugs on, and what could be better for this job than the modern journeyman goalkeeper? They’ll be so flattered that they’ve been snapped up by a club way, way above their station that they won’t question it when you strap them up to machines, pump all kinds of who-knows-what into their arms and maybe electrocute a bit or spray unlicenced shampoo into their eyes.

Also, it shouldn’t affect them too much if they’re needed for a Carabao Cup match at home against Sunderland.

THE NEVILLE SOUTHALL FACTOR

Arguably the coolest person on Twitter these days is ex-Everton legend Southall. Now that he’s ‘woke’ and clued up on all the important issues such as drug rehab, trans rights and jokes about skeletons, everyone is following him on the globally popular social media s***fest and hanging on his every utterance.

Perhaps Chelsea and Manchester United have seen a potential future boon to be had by recruiting an ageing keeper and training him up to be the next Nev. Right now, Rob Green and Lee Grant are almost certainly being held captive in a secret underground university, their heads being crammed with information and opinions so that they can one day dominate Twitter and raise global awareness for their clubs AND for oppressed minorities everywhere.

MONEY LAUNDERING

I don’t really know how this would work but it’s my stock response to anything weird that I don’t really understand.

DRUG MULES

As above. I probably need to get out more.