World Cup: How to cope with ICH – It’s Coming Homitis

The Irish government have temporarily had to refocus after they spent the last 48 hours p*ssing themselves over the collapse of Brexit. An epidemic has swept the nation and emergency services are zoning in on the source to try and prevent further contamination.

A recent heat surge has caused hysteria, which was expected to be eased by soothing relief of Anglofailure on the Russian mainland, but no such aid has been forthcoming.

The disease, referred to as ICH (It’s Coming Homitis) is now widespread in Ireland and citizens are advised to keep an eye out for the following symptoms.

• Hysterical Humming

If you or a loved one has spontaneously started humming a tune similar to that of the Lightning Seeds’ ‘Three Lions’ over the last week or so, you are in grave danger.

What starts off as a simple mumble quickly evolves into a harmonic blend of melodies, and all of sudden, you’re struck down with a level of patriotism foreign to you – one that doesn’t agree with your system, resulting in a spirallng condition that gets worse before it gets better.

Potential Cure and Coping Mechanisms:
Immerse yourself in traditional Irish tunes as sung by Sinead O’Connor, Westlife and that turkey they sent to the Eurovision. If possible, block out all sunlight and shed tears during ‘Raglan Road’, while watching ‘The Wind That Shakes the Barley’. Infected parties should see improvement almost instantly.

TOPSHOT – Denmark’s striker Nicklas Bendtner celebrates after scoring their fifth goal from the penalty spot during the FIFA World Cup 2018 qualifying football match, second leg, between Republic of Ireland and Denmark at Aviva Stadium in Dublin on November 14, 2017.
Christian Eriksen scored a magnificent hat-trick to seal Denmark’s place at next year’s World Cup after a 5-1 win over the Republic of Ireland in their play-off second leg in Dublin. / AFP PHOTO / Paul FAITH (Photo credit should read PAUL FAITH/AFP/Getty Images)

• Ferocious Flashbacks

Have you been sat at your kitchen table, about to tuck into your bacon and cabbage, only for the recollection of November 2017’s massacre to Denmark to pop into your mind, simultaneously losing your appetite?

TOPSHOT – Denmark’s striker Nicklas Bendtner celebrates after scoring their fifth goal from the penalty spot during the FIFA World Cup 2018 qualifying football match, second leg, between Republic of Ireland and Denmark at Aviva Stadium in Dublin on November 14, 2017.
Christian Eriksen scored a magnificent hat-trick to seal Denmark’s place at next year’s World Cup after a 5-1 win over the Republic of Ireland in their play-off second leg in Dublin. / AFP PHOTO / Paul FAITH (Photo credit should read PAUL FAITH/AFP/Getty Images)

The hunger slowly begins to fade as Aiden McGeady gets closer and closer to the playing surface, with Ireland’s entire midfield making way. These visions can be extremely tricky and discomforting.

Potential Cure and Coping Mechanisms:
Should you fall into this haze of terror, it’s worth remembering that Martin O’Neill’s contract will eventually expire and it’s increasingly unlikely that the FAI will renew a deal past the age of 90. These comforting thoughts can reduce blood pressure and restore vital signs to regular, safe levels.

• Britannia Blindness

Is your eyesight starting to worsen? Struggling to see straight due to the overly-bright hyperbolic headlines about trophies, perched in the cockpits of lion-emblazoned plans, landing at Heathrow? Visions can range from Harry Maguire visibly roaring like a lion to Harry Kane kicking the plane from St. Petersburg straight to TW6 1EW.

Potential Cure and Coping Mechanisms:
Take a stroll to your local newsagents and use the walls as guidance if you’re really struggling. Follow the shelving to the newspaper section and completely bypass it. The effervescent glow of Ireland’s Own will call to you.

Pick up a copy and rediscover auld ones’ needs to find partners even long into their 80s – a true tale of this once-proud nation. As If by magic, your eyes will become desensitised once more from the tabloid nonsense about Jules Rimet’s inferior successor.

• Hibernia Hearing

Have your once-Irish neighbours been in your ear constantly telling you of their sympathies for the British footballing plight in recent weeks? Are you starting to experience migraines, leading to a depreciation in your hearing levels due to nonsensical punditry detailing Southgate’s heroism? This can be an extremely painful characteristic of ICH.

Potential Cure and Coping Mechanism:
Luckily, this has many cures. A simple listen to a Brian Kerr compilation of commentary will suffice in restoring your ears to their former glory.

Or indeed, an audiobook of Joyce’s pretentious classic ‘The Dead’, whichever you prefer.

You’ll be back to your fine self in no time, ready for your Da to burn the ear off you about how Jordan Henderson could have been Irish if he really wanted to be.