Six reasons England must lose their World Cup quarter-final

The Three Lions are just two games away from the World Cup final – but it would be in everyone's best interests for it to end here, writes Jon Moody...


Should you check today’s extended weather forecast, we imagine there will be an eye-catching titbit of information: that hell hath frozen over. Why? Because England – yes, England – have won a World Cup penalty shootout for the first time EVER.

After victory was snatched from their grasp in the 93rd minute, Gareth Southgate’s men dug in during extra time against Colombia in the round of 16. As penalties loomed – and England’s record in shootouts loomed larger – this impressive young team found the mental strength to overcome their seemingly inevitable fate and seal victory from the spot, with a little help from the Hand of Jord.

The Three Lions now find a very accessible route to the World Cup final open to them, beginning with a quarter-final showdown against Sweden on Saturday. Should they overcome the Land of Sven, Croatia or Russia lie in wait in the semi-finals.

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In other words, it’s an absolute nailed on guarantee that football is coming home. But this isn’t a good thing; it’s actually in the nation’s best interests for England to crash out in the quarter-finals. Here are six vital reasons why…

1 – The nation wouldn’t be able to cope with the amount of beer throwing

We’ve all seen the news that the industrialised world is struggling with a CO2 shortage. Indeed, things have got so terribly bad that a Wetherspoon in Leeds had to stop selling Strongbow the other day. We thought things were bad during World War Two rationing!

You can just imagine how the immense demand during England vs Sweden will further deplete vital booze supplies. But if England score and, heaven forbid, go through, the amount of beer throwing would be off the scale. Look at the scenes at Boxpark Croydon yesterday when Eric Dier’s penalty put England through:

Beers! Beers everywhere! In times of crises like this, the nation must pull together – we can’t just waste valuable CO2-laden goods like this. Something like England 0-1 Sweden should hopefully keep beer taps flowing throughout the summer, crucial for the barbecue season.

2 – An England victory could cause the economy to collapse

The UK economy is in a very delicate state. Any sudden economic shocks could have major repercussions to jobs and livelihoods, while a plunge in the nation’s productivity may even have a devastating impact on other countries. This is something we just can’t afford to happen with Brexit around the corner.

Which is why England must lose against Sweden. Because if they were to make it through to Wednesday’s semi-final, you can well imagine the lack of work that’ll be done in the build-up to that game, not to mention the millions of sickies pulled if we’re victorious there too. And if we went and won the whole thing, nobody would ever be sober enough to work again.

At least your local would be well and truly in the money, mind.

3 – WhatsApp would have a global outage

If England were to make their first World Cup semi-final since 1990, the spreading of “It’s Coming Home” video memes would reach epidemic levels. By our extraordinarily rough estimations, clips of movie scenes dubbed to the soundtrack of Three Lions have been sent some 3.9 billion times since the penalty shootout against Colombia alone.

Now that’s a lot of data for WhatsApp to process. A further surge in sending these should Harry Maguire crush the Swedes with his giant bare hands would easily cause the entire system to collapse, essentially cutting us off from the world on the go.

We can’t afford for this to happen. How else are we meant to light up the group chat with our definitely hilarious and witty jokes if WhatsApp went down?!

4 – It would cause a national health crisis

Heart rates of every England fan during the penalty shootout must have reached levels close to that of Diego Maradona’s on a big night.

With nerves completely shot, football supporters’ stress levels going into a World Cup semi-final would reach unchartered territory.

This could potentially cause many serious illnesses, not to mention the indignity of those who end up browning their shorts.

The NHS is stretched as it is, and a national occasion like this is the last thing they need on their plates.

5 – We’d all have to start wearing waistcoats in 30c heat

Victory against Sweden would inevitably catapult Gareth Southgate to national hero status. Which, given his cool, calm and proud nature, is no bad thing.

However, there is one sizeable concern about this. Inevitably, some foolish mate of yours will claim Southgate’s trademark shiny waistcoat is now suddenly on trend before turning up to the pub in it. Which is all good fun and games until fashion “experts” say we should all do it.

during the 2018 FIFA World Cup Russia Round of 16 match between Colombia and England at Spartak Stadium on July 3, 2018 in Moscow, Russia.

And it’s too f**king hot for that nonsense to be perfectly honest.

6 – Our national security could be at risk

There is a very real chance we could end up facing definitely-not-cheating-despite-outrunning-everyone-else hosts Russia should we progress past Sweden.

God knows what Vladimir Putin would do to us if we ended up beating them in Moscow, in their national stadium, to reach the World Cup final on their own patch. We suspect his index finger is already hovering around the big red button on his desk marked “launch nuclear missile” just in case.

England, you have been warned.

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