The season is cascading to an end and it’s time for clubs to take stock of their seasons and plan for the future.
We’ve taken a look at how the converstions might go in boardrooms throughout the league. Time for plenty of squirming in leather chairs, awkward silences and uneasy laughter…
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Jurgen Klopp, Liverpool
Achievements/highlights: Nurturing the most offensive unit in Britain after Trident and, dare we say it, making the Champions League Final?
Areas of improvement: Stop being so happy, Jurgen. Some of us are miserable and you only compound that. Take a day off, ffs.
Notes from the Chairman: “Liverpool have become the best team in the world. It’s completely indisputable. Better than City? Hell yeah. Obviously they won the league but we’re better no doubt about it. Have you seen Mo Salah?”
Views from the gaffer: “Haha, yeah. I mean, cool. Haha. I love Liverpool. I love everything and everyone. Haha. Boom! Hahahahahaha. Ha.”
Paul Lambert, Stoke City
Achievements/highlights: Making Mark Hughes seem just above abominable.
Areas of improvement: Smile, Paul.
Notes from the Chairman: “Pulis, Hughes, Lambert: it’s one boring old Brit after the next here at Stoke. They all blur into a great mass of pasty tedium after a while. I’m sure – who is it? Paul? I’m sure he did alright.”
Views from the gaffer: “One thing I’ll take is our recent mastery of drawing matches, it’s addition to the club’s effervescent image to shout about.”
José Mourinho, Manchester United
Achievements/highlights: Giving Manchester City fans a nice, relaxed close to the season. A considerate token from the boys in red.
Areas of improvement: The handbrake on that bus, it’s getting a little worn.
Notes from the Chairman: “Listen, we can still win the FA Cup and will probably finish runners-up in the league. Yes, I know we’re the most decorated club in the country but, come on, we’re clutching at straws here aren’t we?”
Views from the gaffer: “I think, for me, in my view, my opinion, my divine vision, that I am God. I am either God or Christ reincarnated. Last night, an angel spoke to me and she said, ‘Jose, you are the Special One. The Second Coming has been wrongly interpreted: you, my Lord, have returned to bring boring football and miserable grumblings to the streets of Manchester. F*ck the salvation lark.’”
David Moyes, West Ham United
Achievements/highlights: Perfectly fitting into the ol’ Dildo Brothers’ slick machine of humiliation.
Areas of improvement: Where do we start?
Notes from the Chairman: “We, Karren Brady, David Gold and David Sullivan, absolutely despise this football club with a passion. David [Moyes] isn’t a half bad gaffer, in fairness. But he’s mocked across the country and so we thought he’d be the perfect man to lead this sinking ship fastest into disaster.”
Views from the gaffer: “I turned Everton into a team that almost made the Champions League group stage once, don’t forget that. There’s nothing else to say.”
Chris Hughton, Brighton and Hove Albion
Achievements/highlights: Steering Brighton away from relegation is an achievement for any gaffer. Hughton should be lauded for his success this year. Well, about 80% of it anyway.
Areas of improvement: Maintaining the team’s form through to the death could have left Brighton fans with a sweeter view come the end of their first ever Premier League season.
Notes fcom the Chairman: “I’m chuffed. Staying up was our primary goal for this year and that’s exactly what we’ve done. On balance, I’d say we’re a fairly tinpot club, so giving the fans something to cheer about when they’re not watching Chelsea or Arsenal is great.”
Views from the gaffer: “My favourite bit of the season? I love hearing the crowd shaking those plastic clappers with such passion. Fills me with pride every time I see them, sitting, shaking their little hearts out.”
Alan Pardew, West Bromwich Albion
Achievements/highlights: Getting the old tan two shades darker without spray and necking six sambucas unflinchingly in Barcelona.
Areas of improvement: Taxi-related incidents for the benefit of group banter ought to cease.
Notes from the chairman: “I hate Alan and everything he stands for.”
Views from the gaffer: “Well, it’s not really my fault, is it? West Brom are sh**e anyway and I’m Alan Pardew. The Alan Pardew. End of the day, the lads all had a laugh with me around and that’s what matters. Do I care the Baggies are plunging down to the Championship? Do I f*ck.
Mauricio Pochettino, Tottenham Hotspur
Achievements/highlights: A record total of jobs related to cylindrical glass receptacles.
Areas of improvement: The trophy cabinet could do with a dusting.
Notes from the Chairman: “Tottenham Hotspur are one of the world’s biggest clubs. That’s a fact. It’s also a cool, edgy opinion to have and so I’m dying on this hill. As for Poch, he’s a young Arsene Wenger, innit?”
Views from the gaffer: “I’d like to express my thanks everyone involved at Tottenham
Hotspur FC for this fantastic season. In years gone by, I could only ever dream of an FA Cup semi-final and a fourth place finish. But now, as one of the planet’s best clubs, we’ve achieved both.”
Claude Puel, Leicester City
Achievements/highlights: You know Leicester won 2015/16 Premier League? That still counts.
Areas of improvement: There’s annoyingly few. Yes, the Foxes rubbed shoulders with relegation battlers this season but are still likely to finish in the top ten. You’ve ruined the mood, Claude.
Notes from the Chairman: “Let’s be clear, here. Everyone preferred Craig Shakespeare. The scope for jokes with that one were endless. But credit where it’s due, Claude can actually manage a football team.”
Views from the gaffer: “I’m going to be completely uncooperative and do nothing of note or interest just to torture the smug prick who has to write about me. Good luck.”
David Wagner, Huddersfield Town
Achievements/highlights: Looking the most of all the gaffers like a chirpy American hipster who’s spent a month building wells in Bolivia without any sun cream on.
Areas of improvement: It’s quite an annoying look.
Notes from the Chairman: “David has probably kept us up. It’s Huddersfield, we don’t expect anything much and so I suppose we’ve got to take safety as a plus. Rather have Jurgen Klopp, though.”
Views from the gaffer: “Do you see my golden skin, Alan? Don’t need a holiday in Spain for this bad boy.”
Arsene Wenger, Arsenal
Achievements/highlights: Steering Arsenal Football Club to the top of English football and revolutionising the role of a Premier League manager all whilst rising above the pathetic, quasi-celebrities who derided him for it.
Areas of improvement: Timing. It’s been 21 years, Arsene, and the whole country had been anticipating your departure. You dropped it like a sack of bricks – on a school day – with all the panache of a Croc.
Notes from the Chairman: “Arsene is a beautiful man and it’s going to hurt saying goodbye. You watch us plummet down the league, now. I really can’t be arsed with finding a replacement.”
Views from the gaffer: “Erm, I think personally that, err, I am very happy with how the season has gone and, err, I feel very adored by the fans of this club. They seem to honour me and the boys each week with an extended minute’s silence. It lasts the whole game they’re so in awe.”
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