Must do better: Reviewing the Premier League managers’ seasons

With the end of the season drawing near, Ben Mountain has looked at what each manager might expect when they sit down to review their performance....


It’s coming to an end, boys and girls. Our beloved Premier League has almost dropped its curtain.

But who’s been hot and who’s been not? We’ve taken a look at the Premier League’s leading men with our characteristically serious, analytical style for some real focussed performance reviews.

How does your gaffer fare? Here’s the first ten in our lineup.

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Sam Allardyce, Everton

Achievements/highlights: Necking four tinned steak and ale pies in under a minute.

Areas of improvement: Dealing with the backlash of necking four tinned steak and ale pies in under a minute.

Notes from the Chairman: “In general, Sammy’s done a decent job for us. We’ll finish top ten and we’ll take that given we were 17th as he took over. Having said that, the boys in the stands only rated him 4.5/10 so I might prepare that P45. See what the horoscopes say on it.”

Views from the gaffer: “In the words of the great Dr. Seuss, ‘I am Sam, Sam I am’. Them fans would do well to remember that in future. Disrespectful little tykes.”

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Rafael Benítez, Newcastle United

Achievements/highlights: Taking Newcastle back where they belong: the top half of the table.

Areas of improvement: The size of the club he’s working with.

Notes from the chairman: “What? Rafa? Good bloke. Anyway, there’s a 35% sale down the road on all giant beach balls, swim trunks and them massive pencil case packs that we do. I’ll bump that up to a month’s worth of half price discounts if you buy the club. Throw in a giant mug. Pass us another bev.”

Carlos Carvalhal, Swansea City

Achievements/highlights: Miraculously transforming the Swans into a giant-killing goal machine.

Areas of improvement: Not letting the Swans slip back into the shambolic mess they were before and to stop flirting with relegation so boldly.

Notes from the chairman: “Well, obviously Carlos was doing a fantastic job. He had us storming through the league to safety stunningly well. But, after a while, I think it was all those metaphors that let him down. Really confused the players.”

Views from the gaffer: “When ze seagulls follow ze trawler, it’s because they think sardines will be thrown in the sea. I thought of that one myself.”

Antonio Conte, Chelsea

Achievements/highlights: Coming from 2-0 down to beat an almost relegated Southampton 3-2.

Areas of improvement: Give a sh*t, Antonio?

Notes from the chairman: “I am not happy bunny. I want FA Cup. If I not get FA Cup, I kill him. Simples as.”

Views from the gaffer: “Do I have to say something, really? I’d much rather go home and watch Loose Women. Can’t be f**ked for this.”

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Sean Dyche, Burnley

Achievements/highlights: Being the best manager in the league this season and doing the impossible with the Clarets.

Areas of improvement: Worm eating habits.

Notes from the chairman: “I love Sean, we all love Sean. In fact, he’s going to be made an Honorary Freeman of Burnley. Now there’s a reward for a good season’s graft. Absolute Grade ‘A’ fella is Sean.”

Views from the gaffer: “Well, I keep it simple, don’t I? Hard work, respect, pride. Real men playing real football. Makes me smile me little ginger beard off.”

Javi Gracia, Watford

Achievements/highlights: Dismantling Chelsea in a sumptuous 4-1 victory for his first home game in charge.

Areas of improvement: Being an upgrade from Marco Silva.

Notes from the chairman: “No, I’d never heard of him either. But this is where the beauty in his appointment lies: no one knew him and so no one – yes, even Everton – could try and poach him from us.”

Views from the gaffer: Sadly, Mr Gracia couldn’t be found for comment as no one from Paddy Power News has a clue what he looks like.

Pep Guardiola, Manchester City

Achievements/highlights: There hasn’t been much to choose from. Making the fifth round of the FA Cup, maybe?

Areas of improvement: Playing style, squad competence, squad depth, winning something. The list goes on. Poor work from the Spaniard this season.

Notes from the chairman: “I have £18bn to spend with my little bald friend, Pep. It’s very fun having a play thing as big as Manchester City. But I want more. Bring me world domination, Peppy boy. The league is not enough.”

Views from the gaffer: “Am I God? The future King of England? Maybe. Pay me enough and I can do anything.”

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Roy Hodgson, Crystal Palace

Achievements/highlights: Saving a defunct, injury stricken Crystal Palace from relegation.

Areas of improvement: His past and reputation. We haven’t forgotten Liverpool or England, Roy, and a fantastic season proving yourself won’t get you anywhere these days.

Notes from the chairman: “Roy’s a good boy, he’s done his job and kept us up. There isn’t a huge amount to say about someone like Roy Hodgson, mind.”

Views from the gaffer: “Well, obviously I’m very pleased with how the season has gone and am very proud of my boys. Now, can we please forget about Harry Kane taking corners and move on? I’m going home for a rich tea biscuit and some Countryfile.”

Eddie Howe, AFC Bournemouth

Achievements/highlights: Seeming like a cool little bastard who gets things annoyingly right every year.

Areas of improvement: Looking less like everyone’s over enthusiastic first PE teacher who high-fives the cool kids and says ‘C’mon, gang!’. Other than that, keep up the good work.

Notes from the chairman: “Well, Eddie just cruises on by, doesn’t he? We had our rough patches, granted. But, look, we’re pretty much top ten and we’re Bournemouth for crying out loud. We have a stadium for less than 12,000 people.”

Views from the gaffer: “Well, I’m a really happy kind of bloke, not gonna lie. We’ve had a totes cool season and I just can’t wait to kick back with the boyz and have an alcopop or two. I’m down with the kids like that. Anyone heard from the FA about England?”

Mark Hughes, Southampton

Achievements/highlights: N/A.

Areas of improvement: All of them.

Notes from the chairman: “I give up. What happened to the glory days? The talk of Europe? Of top six places? Mark’s a useless bellend.”

Views from the gaffer: “Err, I’m an arrogant sod so I take no responsibility for what’s happened to Southampton this season. I had a tough task on my hands. Yes, I’m perfectly aware that both clubs managed by myself are set for relegation. I played for United, okay?”

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