REVEALED: Content of Louis Van Gaal’s emails to Manchester United players

After it emerged that Louis Van Gaal sent emails containing ‘alerts’ or read-receipts to each of his players while he was manager of Manchester United, Paddy just knew he had to get his hands on that sweet, sweet content.

So we engaged a team of adolescent Russian email-hackers, bought them several bags of Haribo Starmix and locked them in a well-ventilated room full of the latest laptop computer technology until they succeeded in ‘crashing’ the United ‘server’, or whatever it is they actually do.

We were very pleased with their work. And we’ve decided to share the results with you all.

Luke Shaw – Sent, 1 August 2014. Seen, 1 August 2014

Dear Luke,

I’m so delighted to welcome you to the club. I first saw you play voetbal as a young little raisin for Southampton in about 2007. Almost immediately, I knew you would turn out to be a star of the future, and I’m glad to have you here at the Old Trafford football stadium as a footballer playing football.

You have a bright future. I will always appreciate you, and it’s hard to see how any manager worth his clogs won’t do the same. You will be loved and respected by every Manchester United Football Club head coach who follows me, I’m certain of that.

But, if I have just one criticism, it’s that you are a bit too thin. A bit too schraal, as we say in De Nederlands. You could do with bulking up a bit, which will stand you in good stead. I have prepared the following diet for you:

• Morning, 7am, before training: Two croissants, buttered and covered in Nutella. Wash down with coffee and 7-up to avoid feeling bloated.
• Afternoon, 3pm, after training: A light meal consisting of either macaroni & cheese pasta or a rich, creamy carbonara. Try to avoid non-GM foods to avoid feeling bloated. For sides, try a Belgian waffle, buttered and covered in Nutella.
• Evening, 6pm: Your main meal of the day should be your main bulking session. Avoid lean foods such as broccoli and kale. Have you been to Burger King? Try that. Don’t forget to wash it down with a glass of Sunny Delight for vitamins.
• Bedtime snack, 11.45pm: It’s important to eat late at night so your body can break down the day’s nutrition while you sleep. But keep it light! Just a few plain croissants buttered and covered in Nutella. And, as I always say, don’t forget to wash it down with a tall, cold glass of Fanta.

If you can just get a bit bigger, you will be unstoppable. Believe me.

Yours sincerely,

Aloysius Paulus Maria “Louis” van Gaal

Danny Welbeck – Sent, 15 August 2014. Seen, 2 September 2014.

Dear Daniel,

Have you ever seen Jan Vennegoor Of Hesselink play football? In my opinion, he is one of the finest forward talents the world has ever seen. And, Danny, my lovely Danny, I’m writing this to tell you that you remind me of him.

One day, if you work hard on your finishing, you can be as successful as Oldenzaal’s greatest striker.

I have one piece of advice for you. You know how you love to either (a) shoot the ball forty yards over the bar, or (b) scuff it directly into the keeper’s gloves?

Well, I have a proposition for you. Why don’t you try, just for your Old Uncle Louis, kicking the ball into the goals instead? I know that silly Scottish boy David Moyes got a little bit annoyed when you missed that chance against FC Bayern, and I know you want to go, but I’m giving you one more chance. If you can score a few goals in training tomorrow, and avoid the usual problem of us having to send Marcos Rojo up to the roof to retrieve those balls you’ve kicked up there, I will consider allowing you to stay.

Come on, Danny! I believe in you!

Yours sincerely,

Aloysius Paulus Maria “Louis” van Gaal

Danny Welbeck – Sent, 16 August 2014. Seen, 2 September 2014.

Dear Danny,

I am selling you to Arsenal. Marcos spent nearly three hours up there yesterday.

You are clearly not good enough to be a Premier League player, but I reckon I can dupe Arsène into buying you.

Yrs,

LVG

Marouane Fellaini – Sent, 1 January 2015. Seen, 27 April 2016.

Hi Marouane,

Is there any chance you have Eden’s mobile telephone number? Need to talk to him about something.

Get back to me ASAP.

Louis

Daley Blind – Sent 14 March 2015. Seen, 14 March 2015.

Dear Daley,

Have I told you lately how much I admire your talent?

Your form has been excellent this season. I am particularly pleased that you have not passed the ball forward since October. Your failure to challenge for a header since December is a perfect example of the philosophy I am trying to instil into these English pie-eating tactics-buffoons.

Keep being awesome.

PS, say hi to your father Danny for me.

Yours sincerely,

Aloysius Paulus Maria “Louis” van Gaal

Wayne Rooney – Sent, 30 August 2015. Unseen.

Dear Wayne,

Are you sure I can’t tempt you into that Everton move? Really think you’d do well there, and it’s more your level these days anyway.

Yours sincerely,

Aloysius Paulus Maria “Louis” van Gaal

Daley Blind – Sent, 16 November 2015. Seen, 16 November 2015.

Dear Daley,

Periodic reminder to keep being awesome.

As you were LVG x

Chris Smalling – Sent, 23 February 2016. Seen – 24 February 2016.

Dear Chris,

Just wondering: what is the actual point of you?

You are my least favourite raisin. I have no choice but to keep picking you, but you are honestly the worst defender I have worked with – and I managed Winston Bogarde! In fact, give me Winston any day ahead of you. Compared to you, Winston is John Terry. I would pay £40m to have Winston ahead of you. I would rather proof-read Wayne Rooney’s fifth and as-yet-unpublished autobiography while eating a bag of lemons than watch you play.

I mean, you can’t even do a header without closing your eyes. You can’t pass the ball five yards, and your tackling is as accurate as a North Korean news broadcast.

What am I supposed to do with you?

Anyway, training is at 10am tomorrow. See you there!

Yours sincerely,

Aloysius Paulus Maria “Louis” van Gaal

Marouane Fellaini – Sent, 23 May 2016. Unseen.

Hi Marouane,

Really could use that number now! @ me on Insta as soon as you can.

Louis