Andy Dawson: The real crimes against football

The Profanity Swan is having none of Jamie Redknapp’s claims about Chelsea and looks at what’s the problems the game should really be addressing….


In the wake of Chelsea’s heroic backs-against-the-wall 1-0 defeat against the rampaging skill dogs of Manchester City, occasional pundit and game show popinjay Jamie Redknapp had the audacity to describe Antonio Conte’s outstanding nullifying tactics as a ‘crime against football’.

The sheer nerve of the man.

It compelled me to compile a list of actual crimes that are committed against the beautiful game by and in itself on a daily basis.

HERE is where your anger finger should be pointed, Mr Redknapp…

Cardboard Clappers

Like trying to start a fight in an empty room, these artificial atmosphere generation devices are an abomination and should be scrapped at once. Is the modern fan so lazy, jaded and spoilt that he/she cannot even be arsed to drum up support with actual bodily noise?

Is that where we’re at?

It’s said that Leicester City bosses believe that clappers played a major role in their Premier League win. If that’s the case, their glorious triumph should be expunged from the record books at once.

Mouth-Covering Conversations

As analysed at length here.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Squad number abuse

One thing that doesn’t go away from football is referencing players’ positions to their shirt numbers as they used to be in days of yore. See ‘he’s a typical number ten’ or the increasing use of the ‘false nine’.

You used to know where you were with the old 1-11 shirt numbers, but squad numbers came along and that’s fine – it sells more shirts, which f*** me, is really important and that.

Look at Wilfred Bony, currently bringing Swansea’s number 2 shirt into disrepute by playing up front in it. And most of those who saw Hibs’ striker Derek Riordan playing with 01 on his back in 2009 are still receiving counselling.

Alan Pardew

The Great Destroyer. Find me a fan who thinks that Pards did a great job managing his club and would gladly have him back again.

Go on, find me one.

Implausible commercial deals

Manchester United fans – when you find yourself in need of a brand new tractor, will you be heading down to your local tractor dealership (John Bownes in Winsford, Cheshire looks like your nearest bet) or will you stay loyal to the team you love and fork out for the YT359, newly launched in January by Yanmar, United’s ‘Global Tractor Partner’?

It doesn’t look as though John Bownes is stocking the YT359 yet, ‘a machine in which advanced design, unmatched power and simple yet sturdy functionality come together’, so you probably won’t get the chance to road-test it first.

The fact that this ridiculous concept even exists outside of some kind of cheese-fuelled dream shows how ludicrous commercial partnerships have become. And don’t get me started on Valvoline, Manchester City’s ‘Official Automative Lubricants Partner’…

Weakened teams in cup competitions

Seriously, how are we supposed to puff out our chests and proudly boast about ‘the magic of the FA Cup’ when our teams are sending frightened, quivering 17-year-olds out into battle in the third and fourth rounds?

The muted celebration

Once you sign for a team, your loyalties fully belong to them, along with every drop of blood and sweat that you’ve got to offer. And all of your bones and muscles too. And your hair.

So, when you score against a former team or the club you supported as a kid and don’t react as though you’ve just won the World Cup, you are driving a dagger into the heart of every fan that now pays your wages. You f***ing weasel scumlord.

By contrast, a more muted celebration might have been fitting when Fernando Llorente bagged his hat trick at Wembley against lowly Rochdale last week, as opposed to the near-carnival he instigated among his Spurs teammates.

Jesse Lingard’s antics

Mate, maybe cut down on the Monster energy drink or something… or get a hobby.

The offside law

Active, passive, phases of play, f*** off. Stop trying to analyse and interpret football as though it’s 1960s French cinema – if you’re offside, you’re offside.

That Arsenal fan crying on 606

Poor lamb – having to put up with just the three cup wins in the past four years and the recruitment of major talents such as Lacazette and Aubameyang.

Cry me a f***ing river, you massive baby – I’m a Sunderland fan and any time you want to swap allegiances, give me a shout. Your sobbing will turn to sleepless nights and extreme, unsettling methods of self-medicating that I can’t elaborate upon here for legal and moral reasons.

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What do you think?