Andy Dawson: Let’s make the managerial merry-go-round even faster!

The Profanity Swan believes he’s found a way to end the constant flow of managerial employment speculation…


We don’t need to be reminded that the current era of endless rolling football news constantly needs fresh meat to be pumped into its growling, throbbing sausage machine (no apologies whatsoever for introducing lukewarm erotica this early on).

One such reliable but low-grade meat source is managerial job speculation, a sure-fire subject to waffle on about in the absence of anything better.

I can say with some degree of certainty that the hot air produced on a weekly basis regarding the long-term future of Arsene Wenger could sufficiently power a balloon capable of catching up with and overtaking Elon Musk’s rocket, before farting out some surplus air into the face of whoever or whatever that is behind the wheel of his little space car.

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Rumour and speculation about the employment status and prospects of our teams’ bosses is catnip for social media addicts and radio phone-in contributors, and quite right too. I mean, how many top-flight managers can you name who will definitely still occupy their current post in, say, six months time?

I’d name Pep Guardiola and that’d be it.

The ones that aren’t fearful of the sack are quietly thinking they might get poached by a bigger, better club in the summer.

The aforementioned Wenger speculation rolls on and on, while we’ve usually just about got time to learn the name of Watford’s latest boss before the rumours regarding his future at the club begin to swirl. And we all know that Conte is leaving Chelsea, but the only bit we don’t know is when – but it doesn’t stop the endless conjecture about it.

With that six-month figure in mind, I’ve decided we need to overhaul how management works – in fact my revolutionary plan is for constant managerial churn but only if it suits us, the paying fans.

Here’s how it works – when a manager lands a job at a new club, his contract will only run up until the end of the next November or May. That’d be a maximum of six months.

Every November and May, echoing the current transfer window, season ticket holders of the club then get to vote and decide if he should stay on and get a fresh six-month extension, or be booted out into the street like the charlatan dog that he almost certainly is.

If a manager is fired in November, it gives the club a month to find a new man (probably from the list of other just-sacked managers) while giving him time to prepare for the January transfer window.

If there’s a May sacking, the new boss has the whole summer to prepare.

Like player transfers, no other hirings and firings will be permitted outside of those months.

There’s so much talk about managers being given time to ‘build a side’ and ‘put their stamp on the team’s identity’, but it’s all a load of boll***s. The first sniff of trouble and out comes the P45.

Under my dazzling new set of rules, every manager will know he’s on borrowed time from day one and that any kind of underachievement will be punished by the loyal supporters of the club whose future he has been entrusted with.

Plus, our November and May will be enhanced enormously with managerial elections at every club in the land. Some will be no-brainers (yes Pep, you can stay a bit longer) but at most, managers desperate to hang on to their jobs will be pumping out empty promises and downright lies on a daily basis as they strive to dodge the inevitable bullet.

Admit it – you want to see it implemented… can you imagine the utter frenzy on Sky Sports News as the results come in on election evening?

And can you imagine waiting for the re-election result at Arsenal…?

Exactly. Someone make it happen now please.

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What do you think?