Andy Dawson: Ten things we learned from the weekend’s footy

The Profanity Swan is back to spare no one’s feelings on the last week’s footballing action...

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Arsenal v Man United was one of the greatest spectacles of modern times

Yes, even better than the Super Moon. Arsenal might have expected Jose’s usual away-at-a-big-club bus-parking setup, but no – United went at them right from the start and by the time Arsenal had worked out what was going on, they were two goals behind.

But it wasn’t a comprehensive win, in spite of the final result. Sloppy finishing from The Gunners and goalkeeping genius from David de Gea won it in the end, but it was a match that was impossible to take your eyes off.

When I showed the highlights to my son on Sunday morning, I had to strap him into an old baby buggy I’d found in a skip down the street and put matchsticks between his eyelids in case he blinked and missed any of it.

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I watched the live coverage of the match in a pub in London and the occasion brought together lifelong friendships were forged among complete strangers, knowing that they had been together at an event that would never be repeated.

From henceforth it shall only be referred to as The Sex Match, given the numbers of pleasurable groans it caused for the watching neutrals. And at 90 minutes, it was about five times the length of any sexual encounter I can remember ever having.

(Imagine having it off with the Super Moon though… mmmm…)

David De Gea is worth £150m

At least. Considering their importance to a winning team, goalkeepers are seriously undervalued when it comes to transfer fees. The Spanish international keeper was at his tip-top world class best on Saturday evening, proving that Sir Alex Ferguson knew exactly what he was doing when he splashed £19m on him in 2011. AND he’s still only 27 and hasn’t even peaked yet. He needs to sort his f***ing hair out though – he looks like someone who’s waiting for a lift from his dad.

The refereeing isn’t getting any better

Of course, the tomfoolery displayed by Andre Marriner during The Sex Match only enhanced it, even though he should have his whistle taken off him and launched into the belly of the Super Moon. Mmmm… Super Moon…

Then there was Jon Moss and his inept handling of what should have been a Bournemouth penalty, but which instead led to a booking for a ‘dive’ by Adam Smith. One day, when we’ve got to grips with how VAR can enhance football, we’ll look back on mistakes like these and, well, we’ll cringe probably.

Jesse Lingard could be England’s secret weapon

If Dele Alli’s shonky form continues, Lingard could be the man to play in that number 10 role behind Harry Kane to put Tunisia and Panama in their place. Plus, he’ll be able to work out some killer new celebration routines, which will surely inspire ‘Our Lads’ to score more goals in order to display their Lingard-choreographed gyrations. The World Cup is surely coming home again after only 64 years or whatever it is.

Big Sam’s back and wired for sound

Football is all about small margins and when David Wagner saw that Sam Allardyce was sporting an earpiece at Goodison on Saturday, he’ll have surely started bricking it, realising that his own combo of welded-on baseball cap and hipster specs were no match. Never mind that Big Sam was probably only listening to a Jeremy Clarkson audiobook, it had to be worth at least a goal start.

Spurs are minging

Nothing more to add, but they’ve lost it. Don’t know why – I’m not some kind of f***ing expert, but it’s gone.

Man City are a bit minging too

But they keep winning, so it’s allowed. Also, the Guardiola’s restlessness caused by everyone shutting up shop instead of just letting his team play their erotic football is hugely amusing.

WBA v Palace was everything we expected

Namely, nothing much. In Alan Pardew and Roy Hodgson, the match gave us two recently-appointed managers who had both previously managed each other’s teams, and done so spectacularly underwhelmingly. A pair of managers who have been minging at a whole host of clubs, but yet somehow continue to find themselves in work. In truth, the 0-0 outcome was probably the best we could have realistically hoped for.

Alan Pardew should be sacked

Not for his underwhelming start as West Brom manager, but for referring to his players on Match of The Day as ‘the guys’. You’d never have got that kind of shit chat from Tony Pulis…

We all deal with grief in different ways

Look, it’s been almost a year now since my team, Sunderland, won a home match, and in all that time, we’ve been in the lead on our own patch for just eight minutes. EIGHT. MINUTES. So, if one supporter did decide to take a dump in his seat (even though the police say he didn’t), while I’m not condoning his actions, I’m saying that I kind of understand. Also, I’m slightly surprised that it hasn’t happened yet.

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