Our Pre-Match Ratings Predictor™ reveals Ireland will definitely beat Denmark

There's just no arguing with this 100% accurate system. It's Science.


Good news, everybody. Ireland are going to the World Cup in Russia in 2018.

Put down the deposit on the camper-van. Dust off your finest leprechaun hat. Find the biggest bag you can find and fill it full of cans. Start composing the lyrics of a sweet little lullaby for Russian children.

Because our faultless and completely unimpeachable Pre-Match Ratings Predictor™ has concluded that there’s more chance of Donald Trump being appointed a UN Women’s Rights Ambassador than the Boys in Green failing to conquer those pesky Danes.

Here’s how it works.

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As you’ll notice from the image above, each player has a numeric value to the right of his name. That’s because the Ratings Predictor Machine has used Science and other methods to assign a pre-match Quality Value to each member of the likely starting XI for each team.

The Quality Value indicates how good at football the individual player is. As you can see, all Ireland’s brave boys have been awarded an ’11’, because they are among the world’s finest footballers.

Unfortunately for Denmark, the best they have is Nicklas Bendtner (10), who is admittedly one of the finest players in the universe, followed by the moderately impressive Christian Eriksen (9) and Thomas Delaney (6), who appears to have risen above the rest of the Danish dross on account of his Irish ancestry.

There’s no need to question those methods.

As the saying goes: a scientist never reveals his secrets.

Anyway, all you have to do is add together the Quality Values for each player on a given team, and then divide that number by the amount of Supermacs restaurants in a given country. This is in order to eliminate things like form, random chance and poxy refereeing.

Whichever team has the higher figure is the team that will win the match. For Ireland, the equation becomes: Total Quality Value (121) / Total Number of Supermacs (106) = 1.42.

For Denmark: TQV (33) / TNoS (0) = 0.

We’re going to Russia! #COYBIG

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What do you think?